Fix-Ups

A gal I know told me of a new book recently that she contributed to. It's called "Have I Got a Guy for You:" what really happens when Mom fixes you up (edited by Alix Strauss). It's a collection of true stories of well-meaning matches contributed by various writers. Not only is it a hoot, and a very fun read, but it leads me to my subject of the week. Fix-Ups.

Have you ever had one? Have you ever initiated one? And how did it go?

Unlike the stories in this book, my mom (may she rest in peace) was never one to attempt to fix me up, though she did offer her opinions re: ths guys I dated, outfits I wore on dates, etc. And, while I was living at home, she was the late night clockwatcher, commenting the following morning on my arrival, even when I thought I made it into my bed unnoticed.

In general, for whatever reason, I was never one to get fixed up much. This is probably true because most, if not all, of my friends were actively single as well. We were all in pursuit at the same time, so we could rarely help each other in that department. And, I wasn't one to reach out to extended family or others to broach the subject. It felt embarassing to be asking for love.

I do recall in college, that a friend set me up. And, looking back, it was an experience I'd prefer to forget, though it does get me laughing now that it is long past. It was a double date, which is never easy when one couple is hot 'n heavy, and you are first meeting your date. I was living in a dorm at the time, and he came to meet me in the lobby of my building. The student on duty called up to my room upon his arrival, so that I would know to come down. In anticipation of my date, a number of my floormates were already perched anxiously in the lobby to get a look at my "intended," and the news wasn't good. They were buzzing me from their cell phones quietly warning me that his looks would not knock my socks off.

I was always one to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, they happened to be right. He was very studious looking. Kinda greasy-haired -- and not in the stylish sense. And, his blindingly plaid pants were what we referred to as in the "year of the flood"....meaning they were set above his ankles. In general, he looked like a poindexter, and this was a hard thing to get past.

I was polite, hoping at least he could be a mensch (decent person), and that would be a good thing. We walked to the car where my friend and her date were waiting, and they were all ready all over each other. I could see the windows steamed up as we approached. Thankfully they were fully clothed, but this was not a comfortable scenario, particularly given that I couldn't even envision kissing my date goodnight, never mind anything more.

I learned from this experience. A blind date can be challenging enough, but when done on a double date, other challenges may arise.

That said....I'm still a fan of the fix-up. And, you never know where it may come from. Granted, your mom, as well meaning as she may be, isn't always the best source. But, your local dry cleaner could be, or even someone at the gym. I've heard all kinds of unexpected love encounters due to the kindness of someone who thought to make a connection.

But, don't assume it will just happen. Even if someone knows you're single and are looking for a partner, doesn't mean they'll think of you. Everyone is busy living their own life, so why not plant the seed? It's not being desperate, if that is how it feels to you. It's being proactive.

So, take at look at those in your life. Is there anyone you might mention a fix-up to? Go for it! Hey...it never hurts to have someone else looking out on your behalf....and mom would be pleased to know that she's not the only one hoping to get you hitched.

Ready or Not?

Are you truly ready for a relationship, or do you just think you are? You may not know the difference.

Recently I coached a single guy in his 40s who is divorced and has two children. He was looking for a fix-up, ideally, and I was able to introduce him to a friend of a friend (though I am not a matchmaker). I had not met the woman, but it sounded like it was worth pursuing.

They had one date, and it didn't go all that smoothly. Conversation flowed, according to him, but it got awkward when he made a comment about her wedding band. The woman is widowed, and though it's been some time, she wears her wedding band. Albeit on her right hand, but it's there.

He didn't know what to make of it, so it became a part of their discussion. She felt defensive, and he reached the conclusion that she isn't truly open to a new relationship as yet. While this may or may not be true, it is how he felt. The wedding band spoke volumes to him, and not in a positive way. He respected the love she had for her husband, but was seeking assurance that her heart was truly open for someone new, and he wasn't convinced.

Whether you know it or not, we all give off vibes. If you are on a date with someone, or trying to mingle at a social event, your actions, even if unspoken, speak volumes. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, and consider how it might come across to them. This is especially true if someone is socially insecure and you don't know it. If they're not a confident dater, it's easy for them to question your intentions, putting a damper on your get together. And, if it's a blind date, this is all the truer, because they tend to be somewhat awkard initially to begin with.

So, think about what it is that you really want and how that can be best communicated. And, don't discount things that might signal disinterest to a potential suitor.

Making Time for Romance

I was asked this week to offer comment for an upcoming story to run in a magazine on igniting romance. They are planning ahead for Valentine's Day, and contacted me for ideas.

It got me thinking. So many people I know spend the bulk of their time rushing. We are in constant TO DO list mode. And, even when it comes to dating, people are often quick to make decisions about compatibility or physical attraction based on their knee jerk reaction. And, when we do find someone who holds promise, or enter into a relationship, it is easy to coast along once you get used to each other. But, things can get dull, and every day life sets in.

So....what to do to keep romance alive, or to create a truly special date experience that you'll both remember?

One suggestion I have...and something I did for my husband back in our early courtship days.....is a Boudoir Evening. It is totally fun, and can be as elaborate, or more simply done, as you'd like.

Start by sending the person a playful, yet sexy invitation. Spray it with your favorite perfume, kiss it with your lipstick imprint, and invite them to join you for a special evening, but don't reveal the details. Host it at your place, if you don't live together. Get home earlier than usual. Order in from your favorite restaurant or cook a meal you know he'll love. Set the table with candles and wine. Play romantic, dance music. Greet him in a robe or beautiful negligee.....whatever frock that makes you feel good about yourself. Scatter rose petals on the bed, and have on hand some scented massage lotion.

Let the rest speak for itself. He will be so blown away at your efforts, that you'll both be asking for future Boudoir evenings, and next time, let him stage one for you. You'll never for get it, and it will be worth all the effort. Romance will be ignited for sure.

What is Too Fast?

I did a phone consult with one of my love coaching clients this past week. She checks in with me periodically when she has a burning issue. She's been successful in meeting men since we formally worked together some time back, but she remains on the quest for her forever Mr. Right Mensch. She is young enough not to have to feel rushed, yet she would like to settle into a relationship that has future potential. She's far from a serial dater.

Her question for me this time had to do with....what is too fast?

She recently got introduced by a friend to a guy she has dated three times. She speaks to him frequently during the week, and thus far, they've gone out once/week. They go out to dinner and wind up back at his place. He has already officially asked her to date him exclusively, and on date #1, he tried to get her into bed. She agreed to the exclusivity, but not to the sex. She felt it premature, and wondered what I thought. She said she felt in general that he was trying to move things along too quickly.

We talked about his dating history....what little she knew....he had shared info. re: some of his previous conquests.

Much of it sounded to me like a less than confident guy trying to build himself up. That was my knee jerk reaction, and she actually agreed. Why so much talk so early on in the dating scenario about sex, exclusivity, etc. In my opinion, less is more. And, there's something to be said for a little intrigue. And, what about the romantic gestures? Where is the courting? If you jump into the sack, but a one night stand or strictly sexual relationship isn't your goal, then where do you go from there?

I suggested to her that they spend more time on future dates just having fun, and avoid going back to his apartment. Weather-permitting, spend time outdoors, for example, and get to know each other. Let the relationship take it's natural course, and enjoy the process. You only have one courtship phase and you can't turn back the clock, so take it for all its worth. Relish the romance.