It is sometimes hard to face ourselves.
I was speaking with a single female love coaching client recently who told me she consulted with a psychic about her love life. The psychic clearly told her some things that were very hard to hear. She said that they were holding her back from moving forward. My client didn’t want to admit it at first because it was somewhat painful facing the truth, but then she realized that the psychic was in fact right on.
The bottomline, the psychic said, is that she had unresolved issues in her life. And, that working on them would be an important step in her personal growth that was essential before she could romantically partner with someone successfully for the long run.
While my client felt sure that she is ready to meet Mr. Right Mensch now, she admitted that she is still holding on a bit to unresolved feelings for a past boyfriend, and that there are other aspects of her life she'd like to improve.
I am sharing this story with you because we all go through challenges in life. And, before you can realistically expect to meet your life partner, you want to be in the best possible place/space for yourself.
So, while it might not be easy, take a close look at yourself. What expectations do you have for your life? What are you in pursuit of for the long run? Do you feel optimistic about where you're headed? Do you want to move? Do you still find yourself thinking about past loves?
These are all valid questions to ask. And, don't judge yourself if you don't like your response. Be honest. Even talk it through with a close friend, if it helps.
The key is to admit where you're at this very moment, so you can then work toward inviting love into your life.
PS -- If you are single and a fan of my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person), join the new Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=35396093120
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Change
I was at the gym the other night, and I got to talking with one of the girls working out.
She had been speaking with her trainer about her engaged brother who is planning a wedding. The parents of the bride had planned to pay for the affair, but the groom's parents opted to split the cost because they wanted to be able to offer opinions, be included on the invitation, etc.
And, then she proceeded to share how her brother's fiance can be a bit of a "challenge." That already she has seen rifts between her and her brother. And, the fiance is in fact meeting with the mother of the groom in the next week or so in an effort to clear the air.
Being a proponent, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, of mensches making the best marriage material, I wondered what kind of woman we are speaking of here. While I have never met her, we got into a discussion at the gym about change and relationships.
My feeling is that people don't typically change.
If you are marrying someone with the hope that they have the potential to become a different person, I don't think that's particularly realistic.
Sure, we all influence each other. It is possible for people to cultivate new interests. Try out new skills. Change their wardrobe. Get a updated haircut....etc....etc.
However, people don't alter their basic character.
What you see is what you get in that sense.
So, when you are dating someone, trust your gut. If there is something about their behavior that you question, don't sweep it under the rug. There's only so many dustballs you want under that rug.
You can't make someone more fun than they are. You can't give them a sense of humor. You can't change their sense of responsibility. You can't make them close to their friends, if friendship isn't important to them.
And, as life packs on more responsibility, things can get more challenging, especially if you add children to that equation.
So, don't fool yourself into thinking that little fights don't matter. Sure, no relationship is perfect, and you want to be open and express you opinion even if it leads to a disagreement. But, if you fight regularly or don't see eye to eye about things that matter most to you in life, then that won't get better.
And, it shouldn't be your goal to get someone to follow your belief system. They are entitled to their own. Sharing passions is one thing. But your life's work isn't to shape them into what you hope they would be.
I have heard couples say that their mate makes them a better person. And, that is great. But, you can't lay in wait for that to happen. You need to choose wisely.
Once a mensch (decent person), always a mensch. That's what you should strive for.
PS -- Check out the site http://www.singlefilm.com. The cousin of a friend of mine made this really cool independent film regarding single life, and it is very empowering and insightful.
She had been speaking with her trainer about her engaged brother who is planning a wedding. The parents of the bride had planned to pay for the affair, but the groom's parents opted to split the cost because they wanted to be able to offer opinions, be included on the invitation, etc.
And, then she proceeded to share how her brother's fiance can be a bit of a "challenge." That already she has seen rifts between her and her brother. And, the fiance is in fact meeting with the mother of the groom in the next week or so in an effort to clear the air.
Being a proponent, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, of mensches making the best marriage material, I wondered what kind of woman we are speaking of here. While I have never met her, we got into a discussion at the gym about change and relationships.
My feeling is that people don't typically change.
If you are marrying someone with the hope that they have the potential to become a different person, I don't think that's particularly realistic.
Sure, we all influence each other. It is possible for people to cultivate new interests. Try out new skills. Change their wardrobe. Get a updated haircut....etc....etc.
However, people don't alter their basic character.
What you see is what you get in that sense.
So, when you are dating someone, trust your gut. If there is something about their behavior that you question, don't sweep it under the rug. There's only so many dustballs you want under that rug.
You can't make someone more fun than they are. You can't give them a sense of humor. You can't change their sense of responsibility. You can't make them close to their friends, if friendship isn't important to them.
And, as life packs on more responsibility, things can get more challenging, especially if you add children to that equation.
So, don't fool yourself into thinking that little fights don't matter. Sure, no relationship is perfect, and you want to be open and express you opinion even if it leads to a disagreement. But, if you fight regularly or don't see eye to eye about things that matter most to you in life, then that won't get better.
And, it shouldn't be your goal to get someone to follow your belief system. They are entitled to their own. Sharing passions is one thing. But your life's work isn't to shape them into what you hope they would be.
I have heard couples say that their mate makes them a better person. And, that is great. But, you can't lay in wait for that to happen. You need to choose wisely.
Once a mensch (decent person), always a mensch. That's what you should strive for.
PS -- Check out the site http://www.singlefilm.com. The cousin of a friend of mine made this really cool independent film regarding single life, and it is very empowering and insightful.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Third Right: Right Place
You've probably been waiting with baited breath for Right #3 (LOL) -- well here goes.
It's The Right Place.
I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.
You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.
As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.
Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?
If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.
Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.
For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.
Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.
If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).
No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.
It's The Right Place.
I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.
You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.
As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.
Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?
If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.
Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.
For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.
Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.
If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).
No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Second Right: Right Attitude
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, there are Three Rights that are considered important in my book, when you are seeking a mate.
The first, Right Time, was discussed.
Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.
Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.
You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.
If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?
If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.
You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.
You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.
I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.
I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.
It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.
The first, Right Time, was discussed.
Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.
Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.
You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.
If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?
If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.
You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.
You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.
I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.
I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.
It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Three Rights: Right #1 -- The Right Time
In my book, How to Marry a Mensch, and in the workshops I teach, one of the key points I make is the importance of the Three Rights.
I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.
The first Right is the Right Time.
When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.
In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.
That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?
Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?
You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.
And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?
You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.
If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.
If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.
If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.
So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.
I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.
The first Right is the Right Time.
When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.
In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.
That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?
Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?
You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.
And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?
You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.
If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.
If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.
If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.
So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Playing the Field
What is it about playing the field that seems so very prevalent these days?
I want to share with you a situation that arose this week.
While I am not a matchmaker by trade, I'm always keeping my eyes open for friends and love coaching clients. I recently met a guy in my gym who said he is single. He is boyishly cute and very buff....works out like an animal...and I thought, at least physically, the perfect match for a good friend of mine. I showed him a picture of her, and he was interested, and she, trusting my judgment, said go for it.
He called her, and they made a date. Coincidentally, the same day, I walked into my gym....a small, neighborhood hard core weighlifting gym that is male-dominated. To my surprise, there was a dog cage near the entrance, with a really cute, white Maltese puppy in it. I asked what the dog was doing there, and was told that it belonged to this guy who left to get it a bone. He bought it for his girlfriend, and he'd be returning shortly to retrieve it.
Needless to say, I was stunned.
He bought it for his girlfriend? And, it cost close to $2,000....so this was not a mere token. What was it then? A guilt present? Or, he just has money to burn, so it wasn't a big deal for him.
When he returned to the gym, I beckoned him over, and nicely asked about the dog, mentioning the fact that I thought he was available. He said "he's not married," when I mentioned his girlfriend. I asked if she knew he was looking to date other women, and he said "no." I asked if she was dating other guys, and he said, "no." And, he had a complete look of surprise on his face, as if to suggest that I was overreacting to the situation.
I told him I didn't want to get in the middle....but of course, out of loyalty/concern for my girlfriend, I phoned her as soon as he left the gym with the dog.
She, surprisingly, wasn't shocked to hear what I had found out. She said that it's all too common these days for people to look for the "next best thing." In her opinion, they're hardly ever satisfied and want to keep their options open.
I mentioned the situation to a friend at the gym, and she referred to this guy as a skunk. Even my husband thought his behavior was horrendous and a bad reflection on mankind. He could have at least said that he's dating someone, but doesn't know if she's the one. In his mind, he didn't lie...he just didn't fess up.
So, where does that leave singles today? Certainly this type of situation doesn't occur all the time. But, it was very disappointing. And, makes me, on a personal level, appreciate my mensch husband all the more. I know he would never cheat, nor would I. And, when we were dating each other, we were exclusive, and I never questioned or doubted it.
It's not too much to expect loyalty in a relationship. And, unless you are both on the same "playing the field" page, you need to be clear where you stand, and let your expectations be known. I realize you can't question someone's every move, but just because you don't sport a wedding band, doesn't mean the relationship doesn't deserve respect. If you're that unsure of it, just move on, and do both of you a favor. There are other fish in the sea, and best to approach it with a clear slate.
I want to share with you a situation that arose this week.
While I am not a matchmaker by trade, I'm always keeping my eyes open for friends and love coaching clients. I recently met a guy in my gym who said he is single. He is boyishly cute and very buff....works out like an animal...and I thought, at least physically, the perfect match for a good friend of mine. I showed him a picture of her, and he was interested, and she, trusting my judgment, said go for it.
He called her, and they made a date. Coincidentally, the same day, I walked into my gym....a small, neighborhood hard core weighlifting gym that is male-dominated. To my surprise, there was a dog cage near the entrance, with a really cute, white Maltese puppy in it. I asked what the dog was doing there, and was told that it belonged to this guy who left to get it a bone. He bought it for his girlfriend, and he'd be returning shortly to retrieve it.
Needless to say, I was stunned.
He bought it for his girlfriend? And, it cost close to $2,000....so this was not a mere token. What was it then? A guilt present? Or, he just has money to burn, so it wasn't a big deal for him.
When he returned to the gym, I beckoned him over, and nicely asked about the dog, mentioning the fact that I thought he was available. He said "he's not married," when I mentioned his girlfriend. I asked if she knew he was looking to date other women, and he said "no." I asked if she was dating other guys, and he said, "no." And, he had a complete look of surprise on his face, as if to suggest that I was overreacting to the situation.
I told him I didn't want to get in the middle....but of course, out of loyalty/concern for my girlfriend, I phoned her as soon as he left the gym with the dog.
She, surprisingly, wasn't shocked to hear what I had found out. She said that it's all too common these days for people to look for the "next best thing." In her opinion, they're hardly ever satisfied and want to keep their options open.
I mentioned the situation to a friend at the gym, and she referred to this guy as a skunk. Even my husband thought his behavior was horrendous and a bad reflection on mankind. He could have at least said that he's dating someone, but doesn't know if she's the one. In his mind, he didn't lie...he just didn't fess up.
So, where does that leave singles today? Certainly this type of situation doesn't occur all the time. But, it was very disappointing. And, makes me, on a personal level, appreciate my mensch husband all the more. I know he would never cheat, nor would I. And, when we were dating each other, we were exclusive, and I never questioned or doubted it.
It's not too much to expect loyalty in a relationship. And, unless you are both on the same "playing the field" page, you need to be clear where you stand, and let your expectations be known. I realize you can't question someone's every move, but just because you don't sport a wedding band, doesn't mean the relationship doesn't deserve respect. If you're that unsure of it, just move on, and do both of you a favor. There are other fish in the sea, and best to approach it with a clear slate.
Monday, May 19, 2008
What If You Had a Crystal Ball?
I was speaking with a love coaching client who recently decided to consult with a psychic. She is living in a town where she has built a life for herself, but unhappily. She has a thriving career, house that she loves, is near her mom and dad, but knows it's not a place for her future. She is proud of what she has accomplished, but for a long time, has been counting the days that she would move on. She is in her 30s and dates little and has been yearning to relocate for years. The psychic assured her that her life will fall into place in a particular town, which she named, and that good things are awaiting her.
Just hearing this piece of information has given her a tremendous dose of confidence and is helping ease the stress and uncertainty in her mind. She is feeling more poised to make a move, though it's not happening tomorrow. For her, connecting with the psychic has helped her create a plan for herself and to trust she will find her soul mate.
I realize that professional psychics are not for everyone. And some, no doubt, are better than others. But, there is an interesting force at work here, if you think about it. It's the notion of getting a pat on the back about where you're headed and giving yourself permission to chill because the future holds promise.
Think about all the things you want for your life, including potentially finding a mate, if that is a goal. How would you live day-to-day if you knew when/where you would find that special someone....your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch? This is one of the points I make in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person).
Would it take the pressure off you? Would you go out and socialize and feel less uptight about it? Could you live more fully and happily in the present because the future seems spoken for?
There's a lot to be said for that. I realize no one has a crystal ball, and the average person is not capable of being their own psychic. And, I'm not suggesting you consult a psychic (though I have done so myself). But...what if you gave thought to living your life without the worry of what the future might bring? Might you walk around smiling more?
What if I told you with assurance that you will walk down the aisle one day? Would you believe it?
A big part of socializing success is truly knowing in your heart that it will happen for you. And, while it is very important to get out there and put yourself in venues/situations where you might make a love connection, you don't want to obsess about it either.
Allow yourself to think positively, and live in the present. Worrying about the future is so common. I certainly do it myself. But, it doesn't get us anywhere. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stay connected to this moment and put our most upbeat thoughts out there. We can manifest our future with our minds, to a certain extent. And, when you're socializing, you want to project a positive vibe. That will make you that much more appealing to the opposite sex.
So....dust off your crystal ball....and live knowing that you will not be single forever. Go forth and enjoy life, and take the dating pressure off. Do get out there, but do it was a greater sense of inner calm. It will ultimately serve you well.
Just hearing this piece of information has given her a tremendous dose of confidence and is helping ease the stress and uncertainty in her mind. She is feeling more poised to make a move, though it's not happening tomorrow. For her, connecting with the psychic has helped her create a plan for herself and to trust she will find her soul mate.
I realize that professional psychics are not for everyone. And some, no doubt, are better than others. But, there is an interesting force at work here, if you think about it. It's the notion of getting a pat on the back about where you're headed and giving yourself permission to chill because the future holds promise.
Think about all the things you want for your life, including potentially finding a mate, if that is a goal. How would you live day-to-day if you knew when/where you would find that special someone....your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch? This is one of the points I make in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person).
Would it take the pressure off you? Would you go out and socialize and feel less uptight about it? Could you live more fully and happily in the present because the future seems spoken for?
There's a lot to be said for that. I realize no one has a crystal ball, and the average person is not capable of being their own psychic. And, I'm not suggesting you consult a psychic (though I have done so myself). But...what if you gave thought to living your life without the worry of what the future might bring? Might you walk around smiling more?
What if I told you with assurance that you will walk down the aisle one day? Would you believe it?
A big part of socializing success is truly knowing in your heart that it will happen for you. And, while it is very important to get out there and put yourself in venues/situations where you might make a love connection, you don't want to obsess about it either.
Allow yourself to think positively, and live in the present. Worrying about the future is so common. I certainly do it myself. But, it doesn't get us anywhere. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stay connected to this moment and put our most upbeat thoughts out there. We can manifest our future with our minds, to a certain extent. And, when you're socializing, you want to project a positive vibe. That will make you that much more appealing to the opposite sex.
So....dust off your crystal ball....and live knowing that you will not be single forever. Go forth and enjoy life, and take the dating pressure off. Do get out there, but do it was a greater sense of inner calm. It will ultimately serve you well.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too
There is no such thing as the body perfect.
Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.
For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!
I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.
They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.
Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.
What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.
The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.
So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.
Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.
For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!
I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.
They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.
Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.
What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.
The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.
So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Notorious Checklist
Do you have one?
If so, are you willing to admit it?
And, what about your friends?
Do they?
How long is it?
You know what I'm talking about. The "checklist."
It is not uncommon to have one.
Some would view it as a "wishlist." What you wish you could find in a mate, in a perfect world.
But...since we surely don't live in a perfect world (what is perfect anyway?).... how effective is a checklist really?
I'm all for identifying what is important to us. And, as a writer, by nature, I often turn to pen and paper to record my thoughts, or the computer.
What is key about writing things down is that you have it to review over 'n over again. And, this can be a very helpful task during the dating process.
What exactly is it that you desire in a person?
Can you prioritize your list?
Are you willing to accept that it's quite the challenge....if not next to impossible....to "have it all"?
Ultimately, it comes down to what you can live with, and being realistic, if you truly want to find a life partner.
When I host one of my workshops for singles, I've been known to advise that you should throw half your checklist out the window.
I'm not suggesting you settle, though it may sound that way. But, if your standards are unrealistic, you will be unhappy with most people you meet. No one will measure up fully. Examine what matters most to you at the end of the day and over the long run.
And, conversely, take a look at what you have to offer in return. Make a checklist of your own strengths and weaknesses. What kind of romantic partner would you make? Are there areas in your own life that could use improving? If so, is it fair to expect so much from someone else when you have personal work to do? (And who doesn't have work to do, on some level? It's part of wanting to grow as an individual.)
We are each works-in-progress, evolving every day, and what we want/need can change over time. With age and experience often comes greater clarity.
For this reason too, having a written checklist can be telling if you tuck it away in a place (like a journal) where you can find it a year later, for example. Pull it out, and see how much of it still holds true.
I urge you to be open-minded as you go about socializing. Sometimes a prospective love interest might not look "perfect" on paper, but there's something about them that clicks/resonates with you if you give them a chance. You may be surprised...and pleasantly so.
So...don't do yourself a disservice by sticking so firmly by your trusty checklist....and don't write it in indellible ink. A little flexibility and realism can go a long way in the quest for love.
If so, are you willing to admit it?
And, what about your friends?
Do they?
How long is it?
You know what I'm talking about. The "checklist."
It is not uncommon to have one.
Some would view it as a "wishlist." What you wish you could find in a mate, in a perfect world.
But...since we surely don't live in a perfect world (what is perfect anyway?).... how effective is a checklist really?
I'm all for identifying what is important to us. And, as a writer, by nature, I often turn to pen and paper to record my thoughts, or the computer.
What is key about writing things down is that you have it to review over 'n over again. And, this can be a very helpful task during the dating process.
What exactly is it that you desire in a person?
Can you prioritize your list?
Are you willing to accept that it's quite the challenge....if not next to impossible....to "have it all"?
Ultimately, it comes down to what you can live with, and being realistic, if you truly want to find a life partner.
When I host one of my workshops for singles, I've been known to advise that you should throw half your checklist out the window.
I'm not suggesting you settle, though it may sound that way. But, if your standards are unrealistic, you will be unhappy with most people you meet. No one will measure up fully. Examine what matters most to you at the end of the day and over the long run.
And, conversely, take a look at what you have to offer in return. Make a checklist of your own strengths and weaknesses. What kind of romantic partner would you make? Are there areas in your own life that could use improving? If so, is it fair to expect so much from someone else when you have personal work to do? (And who doesn't have work to do, on some level? It's part of wanting to grow as an individual.)
We are each works-in-progress, evolving every day, and what we want/need can change over time. With age and experience often comes greater clarity.
For this reason too, having a written checklist can be telling if you tuck it away in a place (like a journal) where you can find it a year later, for example. Pull it out, and see how much of it still holds true.
I urge you to be open-minded as you go about socializing. Sometimes a prospective love interest might not look "perfect" on paper, but there's something about them that clicks/resonates with you if you give them a chance. You may be surprised...and pleasantly so.
So...don't do yourself a disservice by sticking so firmly by your trusty checklist....and don't write it in indellible ink. A little flexibility and realism can go a long way in the quest for love.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Taking the Lead
Who calls? Who pays? Who does the asking out?
Do you ask yourself any or all of these questions?
Do you find yourself getting into a debate with your friends about it?
Do your single friends feel one way, and your married friends another?
I broach this subject because it recently came up over lunch with a single woman I befriended through a networking group I belong to. I didn't expect to discuss personal matters. We were schmoozing about our various business endeavors, who we know, etc..and as the lunch neared toward the close, she asked if she could seize the moment while I put on my "love coaching cap." I'm always happy to offer advice, if I can be helpful, and I was curious to hear what she wanted to share.
We engaged in a discussion about male vs. female roles in the dating/socializing process.
We recalled years ago the book The Rules, which cleared stated dos and don'ts in the social arena....taking a strong stand that men should be the pursuer...and that you shouldn't be readily available.
I agree with the book on some levels, but not all. I'm not a fan of game-playing. But, the bottom line is that you want to be respected. I do agree that less is more. And, you want to leave him wanting more.
You also want to know that he is as interested in you as you are in him. And, to a certain extent, like it or not, I personally believe that it's more beneficial in the long run for the guy to take the lead. Meaning...that he should ask you out.
I don't have a problem with a woman initiating a conversation with a guy. Some men are shy and would welcome this. But, I'm not a big fan of the woman being the one to suggest that phone numbers or business cards be exchanged. Even if he agrees it's a good idea, why didn't he propose it? Is he just going along with it to avoid an awkward moment? You want to know...don't you?
And...yes...he should be the one to make the first call, or email exchange. Let's see if he would take the initiative. How interested in you is he?
In a perfect world, you want to be pursued.
And, what happens on the date? If you are working and earning a nice income and consider yourself an independent sort, you may want to pay for the date or even split the check. You might think this is the way to go, to show that you don't need his money or expect to be treated.
I do not support this approach. The last thing you want to do on a date is haggle over the check. If you feel the need to reciprocate, then pay on a future date. Cook dinner for him. Take him out for dessert afterwards, etc. There are other ways to show that you don't take for granted that he is treating.
A great way to kill a romantic mood is to do battle over the bill...as well meaning as your gesture is intended.
It may seem old-fashioned, but when it comes to dating, at least at the onset of a potential relationship, let the guy show his colors. You'll appreciate it down the road.
I welcome your thoughts on this. You may or may not agree, so do tell.
Do you ask yourself any or all of these questions?
Do you find yourself getting into a debate with your friends about it?
Do your single friends feel one way, and your married friends another?
I broach this subject because it recently came up over lunch with a single woman I befriended through a networking group I belong to. I didn't expect to discuss personal matters. We were schmoozing about our various business endeavors, who we know, etc..and as the lunch neared toward the close, she asked if she could seize the moment while I put on my "love coaching cap." I'm always happy to offer advice, if I can be helpful, and I was curious to hear what she wanted to share.
We engaged in a discussion about male vs. female roles in the dating/socializing process.
We recalled years ago the book The Rules, which cleared stated dos and don'ts in the social arena....taking a strong stand that men should be the pursuer...and that you shouldn't be readily available.
I agree with the book on some levels, but not all. I'm not a fan of game-playing. But, the bottom line is that you want to be respected. I do agree that less is more. And, you want to leave him wanting more.
You also want to know that he is as interested in you as you are in him. And, to a certain extent, like it or not, I personally believe that it's more beneficial in the long run for the guy to take the lead. Meaning...that he should ask you out.
I don't have a problem with a woman initiating a conversation with a guy. Some men are shy and would welcome this. But, I'm not a big fan of the woman being the one to suggest that phone numbers or business cards be exchanged. Even if he agrees it's a good idea, why didn't he propose it? Is he just going along with it to avoid an awkward moment? You want to know...don't you?
And...yes...he should be the one to make the first call, or email exchange. Let's see if he would take the initiative. How interested in you is he?
In a perfect world, you want to be pursued.
And, what happens on the date? If you are working and earning a nice income and consider yourself an independent sort, you may want to pay for the date or even split the check. You might think this is the way to go, to show that you don't need his money or expect to be treated.
I do not support this approach. The last thing you want to do on a date is haggle over the check. If you feel the need to reciprocate, then pay on a future date. Cook dinner for him. Take him out for dessert afterwards, etc. There are other ways to show that you don't take for granted that he is treating.
A great way to kill a romantic mood is to do battle over the bill...as well meaning as your gesture is intended.
It may seem old-fashioned, but when it comes to dating, at least at the onset of a potential relationship, let the guy show his colors. You'll appreciate it down the road.
I welcome your thoughts on this. You may or may not agree, so do tell.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A Mensch and His Mom
In the past week, I engaged in two discussions relative to the character of a mensch....a decent, responsible person. The question arose, why does it matter if someone is a mensch, and how can you tell if they truly fit the bill? This was in regard to dating. The subject came up because I was explaining to a potential love coaching client how I work, and I mentioned the fact that we would discuss past relationships in an effort to examine dating choices, to see if there are any self-defeating patterns/red flags that emerge.
One of the things I feel strongly about is the notion of a mensch.
If you want to attract someone good into your life, then you first need to begin with yourself. Are you a mensch to yourself? Do you practice self care? Do you take time for your own needs? I realize this is easier said than done in today's hectic world, but you have to feel good about yourself (or at least as good as possible), so you can put positive vibes out there.
Are you a mensch to others? Do you do good in the world? Do you support any non-profit causes, either monetarily or through volunteer work? Do you help others when possible? Are you kind? Do you ever pay a compliment to someone?
And, a really telling point, when it comes to dating, is.....if you're a woman seeking a man, how does he treat his mother?
This is something very important to look at.
I'm not in any way suggesting he should be tied to his mom's apron strings. But, how would you, or he, define their relationship? Do they have one? Are they close? How often do they speak on the phone or see each other? Who initiates? Is the relationship based on money? Is one always looking for it from the other?
Does he go out of his way for her? Does he truly value having her in his life?
A friend of mine was discussing a single male friend of hers and how he always complains about his parents. He actually made the comment to her that his life would be simpler if they weren't around. She quickly responded that he would regret it if they were no longer in this world. Despite him having a "challenging" relationship with his folk, life does feel different if you have suffered a parental loss.
Why does it matter how a guy feels about his mom? Because, typically, if he is good to her, he will be good to you. He would have grown up with a respect for women and for the role women play in this world. He will want to be a supportive husband and be there for you to the best of his ability. He will have been raised with that ethic. He may even put you before himself, and who wouldn't appreciate that?!
So...do take the time to examine a man's relationship with his mom. Look closely. Think about it. And, keep in mind, that if you want a romance or marriage with this person, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
One of the things I feel strongly about is the notion of a mensch.
If you want to attract someone good into your life, then you first need to begin with yourself. Are you a mensch to yourself? Do you practice self care? Do you take time for your own needs? I realize this is easier said than done in today's hectic world, but you have to feel good about yourself (or at least as good as possible), so you can put positive vibes out there.
Are you a mensch to others? Do you do good in the world? Do you support any non-profit causes, either monetarily or through volunteer work? Do you help others when possible? Are you kind? Do you ever pay a compliment to someone?
And, a really telling point, when it comes to dating, is.....if you're a woman seeking a man, how does he treat his mother?
This is something very important to look at.
I'm not in any way suggesting he should be tied to his mom's apron strings. But, how would you, or he, define their relationship? Do they have one? Are they close? How often do they speak on the phone or see each other? Who initiates? Is the relationship based on money? Is one always looking for it from the other?
Does he go out of his way for her? Does he truly value having her in his life?
A friend of mine was discussing a single male friend of hers and how he always complains about his parents. He actually made the comment to her that his life would be simpler if they weren't around. She quickly responded that he would regret it if they were no longer in this world. Despite him having a "challenging" relationship with his folk, life does feel different if you have suffered a parental loss.
Why does it matter how a guy feels about his mom? Because, typically, if he is good to her, he will be good to you. He would have grown up with a respect for women and for the role women play in this world. He will want to be a supportive husband and be there for you to the best of his ability. He will have been raised with that ethic. He may even put you before himself, and who wouldn't appreciate that?!
So...do take the time to examine a man's relationship with his mom. Look closely. Think about it. And, keep in mind, that if you want a romance or marriage with this person, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day....or is it?
Valentine's Day is almost upon us.
How does it feel for you?
I can recall, when I was single, that I often found it a challenging occasion. I was working in Manhattan at the time, surrounded by florist, candy and card shops. When I ventured out during lunch time, I remember strategically crossing certain streets so as to avoid passing the windows chock full of beaming red love-related gifts on display.
Even when I was dating someone, Valentine's Day sometimes felt complex, depending on the nature of our relationship. Do you buy a card for someone if it's a new relationship? If so, what should the card say? Is a card enough? If you want to give a gift, how would it be interpreted? What if I give him a card, but I don't get one in return? And, should we have a date on Valentine's Day, and if so what is the significance of it? Does it need to be by candelight? Who picks the place? etc.....I could go on 'n on.
As you can see, I drove myself crazy, and probably overanalyzed the holiday. But, really, it was all in an effort to do the right thing, and send the right message to my hopeful Mr. Right Mensch.
But, why put all that pressure on yourself?!
Let me make a suggestion.
Make Valentine's Day a day of self love. Let it be an empowering holiday for you where you do something sweet for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. Have you been wanting to book a massage? How about a girls get together watching a classic chick flick? How about a guys night out at the local sports bar? Celebrate the people you love in your life. Maybe even start a new tradition. Plan a lunch with your favorite gal pals and make it a meal you'll always remember. It's a nice break in the day, and you can do it year after year, even after you meet your mensch.
How often do you give yourself permission to chill? I can personally confess that whether single or married, I've never been great at it. My To Do list is ever growing and never ending. If that sounds like you, take advantage of Valentine's Day and don't think about looking for a mate, if you're not already dating someone. Focus on being the best you can be. Tell cupid to take a hike for today. You can resume your social networking tomorrow.
It's just another day. And, if in the mood, you can always buy yourself a box of chocolates at 1/2 price the day after.
REMINDER -- Check out my new How to Marry a Mensch YouTube video, and be sure to post a comment on youtube if you like it, and pass it on -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8&eurl=http://lovecoach.com/
You can also visit www.lovecoach.com and click on the video from there.
How does it feel for you?
I can recall, when I was single, that I often found it a challenging occasion. I was working in Manhattan at the time, surrounded by florist, candy and card shops. When I ventured out during lunch time, I remember strategically crossing certain streets so as to avoid passing the windows chock full of beaming red love-related gifts on display.
Even when I was dating someone, Valentine's Day sometimes felt complex, depending on the nature of our relationship. Do you buy a card for someone if it's a new relationship? If so, what should the card say? Is a card enough? If you want to give a gift, how would it be interpreted? What if I give him a card, but I don't get one in return? And, should we have a date on Valentine's Day, and if so what is the significance of it? Does it need to be by candelight? Who picks the place? etc.....I could go on 'n on.
As you can see, I drove myself crazy, and probably overanalyzed the holiday. But, really, it was all in an effort to do the right thing, and send the right message to my hopeful Mr. Right Mensch.
But, why put all that pressure on yourself?!
Let me make a suggestion.
Make Valentine's Day a day of self love. Let it be an empowering holiday for you where you do something sweet for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. Have you been wanting to book a massage? How about a girls get together watching a classic chick flick? How about a guys night out at the local sports bar? Celebrate the people you love in your life. Maybe even start a new tradition. Plan a lunch with your favorite gal pals and make it a meal you'll always remember. It's a nice break in the day, and you can do it year after year, even after you meet your mensch.
How often do you give yourself permission to chill? I can personally confess that whether single or married, I've never been great at it. My To Do list is ever growing and never ending. If that sounds like you, take advantage of Valentine's Day and don't think about looking for a mate, if you're not already dating someone. Focus on being the best you can be. Tell cupid to take a hike for today. You can resume your social networking tomorrow.
It's just another day. And, if in the mood, you can always buy yourself a box of chocolates at 1/2 price the day after.
REMINDER -- Check out my new How to Marry a Mensch YouTube video, and be sure to post a comment on youtube if you like it, and pass it on -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8&eurl=http://lovecoach.com/
You can also visit www.lovecoach.com and click on the video from there.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
International Flirting Week
You might not have heard of it, but International Flirting Week is approaching. The dates are February 11-17, and here's the description of the occasion: Celebrating the ancient art of flirting and recognizing the role it plays in the lives of singles seeking a mate, couples looking to sustain their love and those simply exchanging a playful glance with a stranger, acquaintance, colleague, etc.
Now that you've marked your calendar accordingly :), what kind of flirter, if any, are you?
Do you like to flirt? Do you do it with ease? Or, do you shy away from attempting it? Do you aspire to flirt, but don't know where to start?
I used to co-host an event in NYC a number of years ago called the School of Flirting. We would meet at a comedy club once/month, and offer tips to singles in the audience, play flirting games, comics performed, etc. It was a fun time, but also designed to be helpful to those seeking to brush up on their flirting skills.
What I often found is that flirting, for some, is a skill they have yet to acquire. If you have a job, making the transition from work to play, isn't the easiest, as you know. But, once you let your hair down and decide to turn your attention to socializing, are you able to make eye contact with someone? Do you exhibit open body language? Is making small talk something you attempt?
The idea behind flirting is that you catch the eye of someone you'd like to meet. On the most basic level, this is done by catching someone's glance, smiling, then looking away, and repeating. The key is to make sure they are totally aware that you are smiling at them, otherwise you won't get anywhere. Also important is open body language. If you're in a social setting, do you stand with your arms crossed? Are you looking down at the ground?
If it helps, hold a glass in your hand, so you can't cross your arms so easily. And, make sure you don't look like you want to keep to yourself.
If you go out with friends, don't surround yourself by the "troops," so to speak. It is hard to break through that, if someone would want to approach you.
Flirting doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, and that's ok. But, the more you do it, the more automatic it will become. And, if you've taken the time to venture out, you want to at least look like you're having a reasonably good time. That will make you all the more appealing to the opposite sex, and that's what leads to optimum socializing success.
Now that you've marked your calendar accordingly :), what kind of flirter, if any, are you?
Do you like to flirt? Do you do it with ease? Or, do you shy away from attempting it? Do you aspire to flirt, but don't know where to start?
I used to co-host an event in NYC a number of years ago called the School of Flirting. We would meet at a comedy club once/month, and offer tips to singles in the audience, play flirting games, comics performed, etc. It was a fun time, but also designed to be helpful to those seeking to brush up on their flirting skills.
What I often found is that flirting, for some, is a skill they have yet to acquire. If you have a job, making the transition from work to play, isn't the easiest, as you know. But, once you let your hair down and decide to turn your attention to socializing, are you able to make eye contact with someone? Do you exhibit open body language? Is making small talk something you attempt?
The idea behind flirting is that you catch the eye of someone you'd like to meet. On the most basic level, this is done by catching someone's glance, smiling, then looking away, and repeating. The key is to make sure they are totally aware that you are smiling at them, otherwise you won't get anywhere. Also important is open body language. If you're in a social setting, do you stand with your arms crossed? Are you looking down at the ground?
If it helps, hold a glass in your hand, so you can't cross your arms so easily. And, make sure you don't look like you want to keep to yourself.
If you go out with friends, don't surround yourself by the "troops," so to speak. It is hard to break through that, if someone would want to approach you.
Flirting doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, and that's ok. But, the more you do it, the more automatic it will become. And, if you've taken the time to venture out, you want to at least look like you're having a reasonably good time. That will make you all the more appealing to the opposite sex, and that's what leads to optimum socializing success.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Under the Carpet
A friend with a 20 something daughter married about a year confessed to me this week that her daughter is on the brink of divorce and how sad it is. She went on to talk about the beautiful wedding she had on a lakefront, surrounded by loving friends and family, and how much time and effort had gone into to planning it. Not to mention the considerable expense. A gorgeous wedding gown. Glorious food. You name it. Followed up by a 10 day European honeymoon. It was a day and time in their young lives full of hope and promise. Yet, for those who really knew the couple, their relationship and courtship had been one with an undercurrent of volatility.
There was a lot of love between them, but these were two strong-willed, somewhat freewheeling people coming together, yet not curbing their damaging ways. They enjoyed eachother and shared impressive spending habits (and debt), but that wasn't the major problem. One of their challenges was that both were, in fact, somewhat immature in terms of what a marriage requires. And, more importantly, there was abuse on the part of each. One relied on many meds for depression and sleeplessness, and the other was a gambler and perennial drinker.
After attempting marriage counseling, they have reached the conclusion it's best to split up before too much time passes. Hopefully, each will now focus on their respective personal challenges, and be stronger and more knowing for future relationships. It is unfortunate that it took this breakup for them to acknowledge their out of control behavior.
This led me to think about the notion of burying something under the carpet. Have you ever found yourself in the situation where you are dating someone and really care for them, yet there is something that you continually overlook? Do they drink more than you think they should? Do they have other habits that are not healthful? Are they a happy person? Do they realize it, or resent it if you try to help or discuss it? Or, do you not discuss it because you feel it's not an issue? Might YOU be in denial? Or perhaps honestly unaware of how the problem might escalate overtime? Maybe it doesn't seem big now, but what happens if it continues? Do others close to you try to talk to you about it, but you feel they're overreacting?
Trust me. The situation will not go away on its own. If you have a concern now (or others do), it will only get worse as time goes on, if the person doesn't want to change. You can't be someone's savior if they are unwilling or unknowing. You can try, but what about you? How long can you keep it up? It's not your job, and shouldn't become your life's mission.
This makes me think of actor Heath Ledger who we just lost at such a young age. A beloved father of a two year old, and ex-fiance of someone who adored him. Toxicology reports have yet to come in, but the press has reported challenges with drugs in the past. What a shame! I have to believe that those around him tried to help. He was actually referred to as a "mensch" by a friend, as quoted in a NY newspaper. But, sadly, a troubled mensch, at that.
So....I urge you not to slide something under the rug. If you are in a relationship or contemplating entering one, or taking an exsiting love to a more serious level, be sure to proceed with your eyes wide open. Don't be fooled if the person makes light of what you see as a potential problem. And, don't not take note if someone who cares about you tries to open your eyes. Take heart, and listen, even if it hurts. Sometimes they know better because we are so close to a situation and person. Your relationship will suffer in the end if concerns are swept away without being tackled, and you deserve better.
Note: Check out my new Youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8
There was a lot of love between them, but these were two strong-willed, somewhat freewheeling people coming together, yet not curbing their damaging ways. They enjoyed eachother and shared impressive spending habits (and debt), but that wasn't the major problem. One of their challenges was that both were, in fact, somewhat immature in terms of what a marriage requires. And, more importantly, there was abuse on the part of each. One relied on many meds for depression and sleeplessness, and the other was a gambler and perennial drinker.
After attempting marriage counseling, they have reached the conclusion it's best to split up before too much time passes. Hopefully, each will now focus on their respective personal challenges, and be stronger and more knowing for future relationships. It is unfortunate that it took this breakup for them to acknowledge their out of control behavior.
This led me to think about the notion of burying something under the carpet. Have you ever found yourself in the situation where you are dating someone and really care for them, yet there is something that you continually overlook? Do they drink more than you think they should? Do they have other habits that are not healthful? Are they a happy person? Do they realize it, or resent it if you try to help or discuss it? Or, do you not discuss it because you feel it's not an issue? Might YOU be in denial? Or perhaps honestly unaware of how the problem might escalate overtime? Maybe it doesn't seem big now, but what happens if it continues? Do others close to you try to talk to you about it, but you feel they're overreacting?
Trust me. The situation will not go away on its own. If you have a concern now (or others do), it will only get worse as time goes on, if the person doesn't want to change. You can't be someone's savior if they are unwilling or unknowing. You can try, but what about you? How long can you keep it up? It's not your job, and shouldn't become your life's mission.
This makes me think of actor Heath Ledger who we just lost at such a young age. A beloved father of a two year old, and ex-fiance of someone who adored him. Toxicology reports have yet to come in, but the press has reported challenges with drugs in the past. What a shame! I have to believe that those around him tried to help. He was actually referred to as a "mensch" by a friend, as quoted in a NY newspaper. But, sadly, a troubled mensch, at that.
So....I urge you not to slide something under the rug. If you are in a relationship or contemplating entering one, or taking an exsiting love to a more serious level, be sure to proceed with your eyes wide open. Don't be fooled if the person makes light of what you see as a potential problem. And, don't not take note if someone who cares about you tries to open your eyes. Take heart, and listen, even if it hurts. Sometimes they know better because we are so close to a situation and person. Your relationship will suffer in the end if concerns are swept away without being tackled, and you deserve better.
Note: Check out my new Youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It's an Inner Job
I spoke with a single friend today who made the comment "It's an Inner Job," and I couldn't agree more. And, I like the way she phrased it.
What did she mean?
We were talking about the challenges of dating. She is single and has had a steady string of failed relationships. She is now 50, and looks back on her choices and realizes she wasted a lot of time with men who weren't truly suitable for her.
Her most recent relationship lasted about 8 years, and it was never totally smooth-sailing. I'm not saying that any relationship is without flaws or bumps along the way. But, it should enhance your life and not feel like constant work.
Since that break-up, she has done a lot of thinking....reading....and self-introspection. And, she has emerged with greater clarity.
As she thinks back, she is able to admit that she, herself, wasn't in the best place. If she had truly felt good about herself inside, she would have more readily seen how this relationship was not an empowering one for her. But, she was wounded and coming from a place of need...not one of strength.
We need to take a care of our bodies and souls. Going to the gym or maintaining some level of fitness and good health is essential for self care. And, it shows. But, what doesn't immediately show is how your feel inside. It's so easy to walk around with demons, insecurities, etc., and no one would know it. We all have them, but to different degrees. But, it can lead you to seek out others like yourself, and that isn't necessarily the best match.
So, step back. Get quiet. Slow down. Get a good night's sleep. Try meditation or yoga. And, see what comes up for you. Talk to others. Share what you feel. And, work on your inner being. Time can be very healing. And, for the sake of your future relationships, you want to come from as positive a place as possible.
What did she mean?
We were talking about the challenges of dating. She is single and has had a steady string of failed relationships. She is now 50, and looks back on her choices and realizes she wasted a lot of time with men who weren't truly suitable for her.
Her most recent relationship lasted about 8 years, and it was never totally smooth-sailing. I'm not saying that any relationship is without flaws or bumps along the way. But, it should enhance your life and not feel like constant work.
Since that break-up, she has done a lot of thinking....reading....and self-introspection. And, she has emerged with greater clarity.
As she thinks back, she is able to admit that she, herself, wasn't in the best place. If she had truly felt good about herself inside, she would have more readily seen how this relationship was not an empowering one for her. But, she was wounded and coming from a place of need...not one of strength.
We need to take a care of our bodies and souls. Going to the gym or maintaining some level of fitness and good health is essential for self care. And, it shows. But, what doesn't immediately show is how your feel inside. It's so easy to walk around with demons, insecurities, etc., and no one would know it. We all have them, but to different degrees. But, it can lead you to seek out others like yourself, and that isn't necessarily the best match.
So, step back. Get quiet. Slow down. Get a good night's sleep. Try meditation or yoga. And, see what comes up for you. Talk to others. Share what you feel. And, work on your inner being. Time can be very healing. And, for the sake of your future relationships, you want to come from as positive a place as possible.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Once a Mensch....Always a Mensch?
Once a Mensch....always a mensch? BIG question.
I received an email from a single gal who was recently given a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. She raised a really interesting point, and one that I'd like to discuss with you. She thanked me for inspiring singles to seek out a quality person, and shared her story.
She had dated a guy she met in college for a couple of years who she considered a mensch. They broke up, and have since gotten back together. During the time they were apart, she was aware that his behavior had been less than mensch-like, in her opinion. She didn't relate specifics, but wanted to know if someone can be a reformed mensch? Could he return to his original menschlike ways, or was he not really a mensch to begin with?
What is your feeling on that? I welcome your feedback.
My take on it is that a person can change for the better, if they really want to. But, you need to examine what led to their stray from menschhood begin with. Was there something from their background that has yet to be resolved? Are they willing to work on it? Is he or she acting like a mensch with you but not with others? How do they speak of and treat their parents? All this can be telling. I'm not suggesting you psychoanalyze them, but these are critical points to consider. Can you speak with them openly about it?
You don't want to wind up with someone who you have to make major allowances for. No one is perfect, but you should feel good about the type of person they are. Trust your gut. If you are questioning their basic character, there must be a reason that a red flag is being raised. Don't ignore it. Sweeping your concerns under the carpet can lead to future heartache.
Even a true mensch can have good and bad days, but that's very different than someone with behavior you consider immoral. It's not your job to change someone. In this case, since he knew what it was like to be a mensch, he clearly had the capability of rising to the occasion. It remains to be seen what happens with their relationship this time around.
Thought you might like to note this upcoming occasion....
LOVE A MENSCH WEEK - February 11 -17, 2008
Mensches are decent, responsible men or women. During this week, singles look to meet a mensch as well as take time to appreciate how mensches enhance our lives.
I received an email from a single gal who was recently given a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. She raised a really interesting point, and one that I'd like to discuss with you. She thanked me for inspiring singles to seek out a quality person, and shared her story.
She had dated a guy she met in college for a couple of years who she considered a mensch. They broke up, and have since gotten back together. During the time they were apart, she was aware that his behavior had been less than mensch-like, in her opinion. She didn't relate specifics, but wanted to know if someone can be a reformed mensch? Could he return to his original menschlike ways, or was he not really a mensch to begin with?
What is your feeling on that? I welcome your feedback.
My take on it is that a person can change for the better, if they really want to. But, you need to examine what led to their stray from menschhood begin with. Was there something from their background that has yet to be resolved? Are they willing to work on it? Is he or she acting like a mensch with you but not with others? How do they speak of and treat their parents? All this can be telling. I'm not suggesting you psychoanalyze them, but these are critical points to consider. Can you speak with them openly about it?
You don't want to wind up with someone who you have to make major allowances for. No one is perfect, but you should feel good about the type of person they are. Trust your gut. If you are questioning their basic character, there must be a reason that a red flag is being raised. Don't ignore it. Sweeping your concerns under the carpet can lead to future heartache.
Even a true mensch can have good and bad days, but that's very different than someone with behavior you consider immoral. It's not your job to change someone. In this case, since he knew what it was like to be a mensch, he clearly had the capability of rising to the occasion. It remains to be seen what happens with their relationship this time around.
Thought you might like to note this upcoming occasion....
LOVE A MENSCH WEEK - February 11 -17, 2008
Mensches are decent, responsible men or women. During this week, singles look to meet a mensch as well as take time to appreciate how mensches enhance our lives.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
What is Too Fast?
I did a phone consult with one of my love coaching clients this past week. She checks in with me periodically when she has a burning issue. She's been successful in meeting men since we formally worked together some time back, but she remains on the quest for her forever Mr. Right Mensch. She is young enough not to have to feel rushed, yet she would like to settle into a relationship that has future potential. She's far from a serial dater.
Her question for me this time had to do with....what is too fast?
She recently got introduced by a friend to a guy she has dated three times. She speaks to him frequently during the week, and thus far, they've gone out once/week. They go out to dinner and wind up back at his place. He has already officially asked her to date him exclusively, and on date #1, he tried to get her into bed. She agreed to the exclusivity, but not to the sex. She felt it premature, and wondered what I thought. She said she felt in general that he was trying to move things along too quickly.
We talked about his dating history....what little she knew....he had shared info. re: some of his previous conquests.
Much of it sounded to me like a less than confident guy trying to build himself up. That was my knee jerk reaction, and she actually agreed. Why so much talk so early on in the dating scenario about sex, exclusivity, etc. In my opinion, less is more. And, there's something to be said for a little intrigue. And, what about the romantic gestures? Where is the courting? If you jump into the sack, but a one night stand or strictly sexual relationship isn't your goal, then where do you go from there?
I suggested to her that they spend more time on future dates just having fun, and avoid going back to his apartment. Weather-permitting, spend time outdoors, for example, and get to know each other. Let the relationship take it's natural course, and enjoy the process. You only have one courtship phase and you can't turn back the clock, so take it for all its worth. Relish the romance.
Her question for me this time had to do with....what is too fast?
She recently got introduced by a friend to a guy she has dated three times. She speaks to him frequently during the week, and thus far, they've gone out once/week. They go out to dinner and wind up back at his place. He has already officially asked her to date him exclusively, and on date #1, he tried to get her into bed. She agreed to the exclusivity, but not to the sex. She felt it premature, and wondered what I thought. She said she felt in general that he was trying to move things along too quickly.
We talked about his dating history....what little she knew....he had shared info. re: some of his previous conquests.
Much of it sounded to me like a less than confident guy trying to build himself up. That was my knee jerk reaction, and she actually agreed. Why so much talk so early on in the dating scenario about sex, exclusivity, etc. In my opinion, less is more. And, there's something to be said for a little intrigue. And, what about the romantic gestures? Where is the courting? If you jump into the sack, but a one night stand or strictly sexual relationship isn't your goal, then where do you go from there?
I suggested to her that they spend more time on future dates just having fun, and avoid going back to his apartment. Weather-permitting, spend time outdoors, for example, and get to know each other. Let the relationship take it's natural course, and enjoy the process. You only have one courtship phase and you can't turn back the clock, so take it for all its worth. Relish the romance.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The Right Mate
My husband and I just celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary. Quite a milestone, I must say. The years sure do go fast. And, now we have a four year old son, so life is full.
As I look back over these past 15 years, we have been through a lot together as a couple. Happy times. Challenging times. Change. Loss. Disappointment. Elation. You name it. The gamut of emotions.
And, what has become very evident to me is the criticalness of knowing yourself, as you endeavor to find a mate. You want to choose wisely before you walk down the aisle.
It is so important to be happy as an individual, and to know that the right partner could enhance your life, but that you'd also be okay without one. You don't want to approach matrimony from a place of insecurity because you don't want to be alone. Approaching it from a positive perspective is the way to go.
And, part of choosing wisely is to find a mensch. How do you recognize a mensch, and why should you want one? A mensch will truly stand the test of time. They will be there for you, offering love and support, no matter what. You won't have to question their level of commitment to the relationship because you will know it through their behavior. You, in turn, need to be a mensch, so that you are both appreciated.
I'm so grateful that I found my Mr. Right Mensch, and I hope you will find yours too.
As I look back over these past 15 years, we have been through a lot together as a couple. Happy times. Challenging times. Change. Loss. Disappointment. Elation. You name it. The gamut of emotions.
And, what has become very evident to me is the criticalness of knowing yourself, as you endeavor to find a mate. You want to choose wisely before you walk down the aisle.
It is so important to be happy as an individual, and to know that the right partner could enhance your life, but that you'd also be okay without one. You don't want to approach matrimony from a place of insecurity because you don't want to be alone. Approaching it from a positive perspective is the way to go.
And, part of choosing wisely is to find a mensch. How do you recognize a mensch, and why should you want one? A mensch will truly stand the test of time. They will be there for you, offering love and support, no matter what. You won't have to question their level of commitment to the relationship because you will know it through their behavior. You, in turn, need to be a mensch, so that you are both appreciated.
I'm so grateful that I found my Mr. Right Mensch, and I hope you will find yours too.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Welcome to My First Blog As a Love Coach
Welcome to my first blog as a Love Coach. I've been advising singles for over 10 years re: how to improve their relationships and social lives.
My career in this arena began when I wrote the books HOW TO MEET A MENSCH IN NY and HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person). I was on the lecture and publicity circuit, and at the suggestion of a friend who attended one of my talks, I decided to offer private consultations as a coach. It became clear that I could offer all kinds of tips and advice in a group setting, but no two people have the same challenges. And, not everyone, understandably, is looking to air their personal love life quandries in a public setting. Hence, my website, www.lovecoach.com, and my work in that role. I find it immensely gratifying and have worked with men and women of all ages and backgrounds, both on the phone and in person.
I welcome your comments on this Blog, and would like to address issues you want to hear about, so please don't hesitate to make suggestions.
And, if you've read my books, I'd love your feedback.
I wish you all the best in your quest for a mensch! :) They are worth the wait, in my book.
My career in this arena began when I wrote the books HOW TO MEET A MENSCH IN NY and HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person). I was on the lecture and publicity circuit, and at the suggestion of a friend who attended one of my talks, I decided to offer private consultations as a coach. It became clear that I could offer all kinds of tips and advice in a group setting, but no two people have the same challenges. And, not everyone, understandably, is looking to air their personal love life quandries in a public setting. Hence, my website, www.lovecoach.com, and my work in that role. I find it immensely gratifying and have worked with men and women of all ages and backgrounds, both on the phone and in person.
I welcome your comments on this Blog, and would like to address issues you want to hear about, so please don't hesitate to make suggestions.
And, if you've read my books, I'd love your feedback.
I wish you all the best in your quest for a mensch! :) They are worth the wait, in my book.
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