Playing the Field

What is it about playing the field that seems so very prevalent these days?

I want to share with you a situation that arose this week.

While I am not a matchmaker by trade, I'm always keeping my eyes open for friends and love coaching clients. I recently met a guy in my gym who said he is single. He is boyishly cute and very buff....works out like an animal...and I thought, at least physically, the perfect match for a good friend of mine. I showed him a picture of her, and he was interested, and she, trusting my judgment, said go for it.

He called her, and they made a date. Coincidentally, the same day, I walked into my gym....a small, neighborhood hard core weighlifting gym that is male-dominated. To my surprise, there was a dog cage near the entrance, with a really cute, white Maltese puppy in it. I asked what the dog was doing there, and was told that it belonged to this guy who left to get it a bone. He bought it for his girlfriend, and he'd be returning shortly to retrieve it.

Needless to say, I was stunned.

He bought it for his girlfriend? And, it cost close to $2,000....so this was not a mere token. What was it then? A guilt present? Or, he just has money to burn, so it wasn't a big deal for him.

When he returned to the gym, I beckoned him over, and nicely asked about the dog, mentioning the fact that I thought he was available. He said "he's not married," when I mentioned his girlfriend. I asked if she knew he was looking to date other women, and he said "no." I asked if she was dating other guys, and he said, "no." And, he had a complete look of surprise on his face, as if to suggest that I was overreacting to the situation.

I told him I didn't want to get in the middle....but of course, out of loyalty/concern for my girlfriend, I phoned her as soon as he left the gym with the dog.

She, surprisingly, wasn't shocked to hear what I had found out. She said that it's all too common these days for people to look for the "next best thing." In her opinion, they're hardly ever satisfied and want to keep their options open.

I mentioned the situation to a friend at the gym, and she referred to this guy as a skunk. Even my husband thought his behavior was horrendous and a bad reflection on mankind. He could have at least said that he's dating someone, but doesn't know if she's the one. In his mind, he didn't lie...he just didn't fess up.

So, where does that leave singles today? Certainly this type of situation doesn't occur all the time. But, it was very disappointing. And, makes me, on a personal level, appreciate my mensch husband all the more. I know he would never cheat, nor would I. And, when we were dating each other, we were exclusive, and I never questioned or doubted it.

It's not too much to expect loyalty in a relationship. And, unless you are both on the same "playing the field" page, you need to be clear where you stand, and let your expectations be known. I realize you can't question someone's every move, but just because you don't sport a wedding band, doesn't mean the relationship doesn't deserve respect. If you're that unsure of it, just move on, and do both of you a favor. There are other fish in the sea, and best to approach it with a clear slate.

Fix-Ups

A gal I know told me of a new book recently that she contributed to. It's called "Have I Got a Guy for You:" what really happens when Mom fixes you up (edited by Alix Strauss). It's a collection of true stories of well-meaning matches contributed by various writers. Not only is it a hoot, and a very fun read, but it leads me to my subject of the week. Fix-Ups.

Have you ever had one? Have you ever initiated one? And how did it go?

Unlike the stories in this book, my mom (may she rest in peace) was never one to attempt to fix me up, though she did offer her opinions re: ths guys I dated, outfits I wore on dates, etc. And, while I was living at home, she was the late night clockwatcher, commenting the following morning on my arrival, even when I thought I made it into my bed unnoticed.

In general, for whatever reason, I was never one to get fixed up much. This is probably true because most, if not all, of my friends were actively single as well. We were all in pursuit at the same time, so we could rarely help each other in that department. And, I wasn't one to reach out to extended family or others to broach the subject. It felt embarassing to be asking for love.

I do recall in college, that a friend set me up. And, looking back, it was an experience I'd prefer to forget, though it does get me laughing now that it is long past. It was a double date, which is never easy when one couple is hot 'n heavy, and you are first meeting your date. I was living in a dorm at the time, and he came to meet me in the lobby of my building. The student on duty called up to my room upon his arrival, so that I would know to come down. In anticipation of my date, a number of my floormates were already perched anxiously in the lobby to get a look at my "intended," and the news wasn't good. They were buzzing me from their cell phones quietly warning me that his looks would not knock my socks off.

I was always one to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, they happened to be right. He was very studious looking. Kinda greasy-haired -- and not in the stylish sense. And, his blindingly plaid pants were what we referred to as in the "year of the flood"....meaning they were set above his ankles. In general, he looked like a poindexter, and this was a hard thing to get past.

I was polite, hoping at least he could be a mensch (decent person), and that would be a good thing. We walked to the car where my friend and her date were waiting, and they were all ready all over each other. I could see the windows steamed up as we approached. Thankfully they were fully clothed, but this was not a comfortable scenario, particularly given that I couldn't even envision kissing my date goodnight, never mind anything more.

I learned from this experience. A blind date can be challenging enough, but when done on a double date, other challenges may arise.

That said....I'm still a fan of the fix-up. And, you never know where it may come from. Granted, your mom, as well meaning as she may be, isn't always the best source. But, your local dry cleaner could be, or even someone at the gym. I've heard all kinds of unexpected love encounters due to the kindness of someone who thought to make a connection.

But, don't assume it will just happen. Even if someone knows you're single and are looking for a partner, doesn't mean they'll think of you. Everyone is busy living their own life, so why not plant the seed? It's not being desperate, if that is how it feels to you. It's being proactive.

So, take at look at those in your life. Is there anyone you might mention a fix-up to? Go for it! Hey...it never hurts to have someone else looking out on your behalf....and mom would be pleased to know that she's not the only one hoping to get you hitched.

The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too

There is no such thing as the body perfect.

Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.

For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!

I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.

They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.

Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.

What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.

The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.

So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.