It is sometimes hard to face ourselves.
I was speaking with a single female love coaching client recently who told me she consulted with a psychic about her love life. The psychic clearly told her some things that were very hard to hear. She said that they were holding her back from moving forward. My client didn’t want to admit it at first because it was somewhat painful facing the truth, but then she realized that the psychic was in fact right on.
The bottomline, the psychic said, is that she had unresolved issues in her life. And, that working on them would be an important step in her personal growth that was essential before she could romantically partner with someone successfully for the long run.
While my client felt sure that she is ready to meet Mr. Right Mensch now, she admitted that she is still holding on a bit to unresolved feelings for a past boyfriend, and that there are other aspects of her life she'd like to improve.
I am sharing this story with you because we all go through challenges in life. And, before you can realistically expect to meet your life partner, you want to be in the best possible place/space for yourself.
So, while it might not be easy, take a close look at yourself. What expectations do you have for your life? What are you in pursuit of for the long run? Do you feel optimistic about where you're headed? Do you want to move? Do you still find yourself thinking about past loves?
These are all valid questions to ask. And, don't judge yourself if you don't like your response. Be honest. Even talk it through with a close friend, if it helps.
The key is to admit where you're at this very moment, so you can then work toward inviting love into your life.
PS -- If you are single and a fan of my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person), join the new Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=35396093120
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Change
I was at the gym the other night, and I got to talking with one of the girls working out.
She had been speaking with her trainer about her engaged brother who is planning a wedding. The parents of the bride had planned to pay for the affair, but the groom's parents opted to split the cost because they wanted to be able to offer opinions, be included on the invitation, etc.
And, then she proceeded to share how her brother's fiance can be a bit of a "challenge." That already she has seen rifts between her and her brother. And, the fiance is in fact meeting with the mother of the groom in the next week or so in an effort to clear the air.
Being a proponent, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, of mensches making the best marriage material, I wondered what kind of woman we are speaking of here. While I have never met her, we got into a discussion at the gym about change and relationships.
My feeling is that people don't typically change.
If you are marrying someone with the hope that they have the potential to become a different person, I don't think that's particularly realistic.
Sure, we all influence each other. It is possible for people to cultivate new interests. Try out new skills. Change their wardrobe. Get a updated haircut....etc....etc.
However, people don't alter their basic character.
What you see is what you get in that sense.
So, when you are dating someone, trust your gut. If there is something about their behavior that you question, don't sweep it under the rug. There's only so many dustballs you want under that rug.
You can't make someone more fun than they are. You can't give them a sense of humor. You can't change their sense of responsibility. You can't make them close to their friends, if friendship isn't important to them.
And, as life packs on more responsibility, things can get more challenging, especially if you add children to that equation.
So, don't fool yourself into thinking that little fights don't matter. Sure, no relationship is perfect, and you want to be open and express you opinion even if it leads to a disagreement. But, if you fight regularly or don't see eye to eye about things that matter most to you in life, then that won't get better.
And, it shouldn't be your goal to get someone to follow your belief system. They are entitled to their own. Sharing passions is one thing. But your life's work isn't to shape them into what you hope they would be.
I have heard couples say that their mate makes them a better person. And, that is great. But, you can't lay in wait for that to happen. You need to choose wisely.
Once a mensch (decent person), always a mensch. That's what you should strive for.
PS -- Check out the site http://www.singlefilm.com. The cousin of a friend of mine made this really cool independent film regarding single life, and it is very empowering and insightful.
She had been speaking with her trainer about her engaged brother who is planning a wedding. The parents of the bride had planned to pay for the affair, but the groom's parents opted to split the cost because they wanted to be able to offer opinions, be included on the invitation, etc.
And, then she proceeded to share how her brother's fiance can be a bit of a "challenge." That already she has seen rifts between her and her brother. And, the fiance is in fact meeting with the mother of the groom in the next week or so in an effort to clear the air.
Being a proponent, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, of mensches making the best marriage material, I wondered what kind of woman we are speaking of here. While I have never met her, we got into a discussion at the gym about change and relationships.
My feeling is that people don't typically change.
If you are marrying someone with the hope that they have the potential to become a different person, I don't think that's particularly realistic.
Sure, we all influence each other. It is possible for people to cultivate new interests. Try out new skills. Change their wardrobe. Get a updated haircut....etc....etc.
However, people don't alter their basic character.
What you see is what you get in that sense.
So, when you are dating someone, trust your gut. If there is something about their behavior that you question, don't sweep it under the rug. There's only so many dustballs you want under that rug.
You can't make someone more fun than they are. You can't give them a sense of humor. You can't change their sense of responsibility. You can't make them close to their friends, if friendship isn't important to them.
And, as life packs on more responsibility, things can get more challenging, especially if you add children to that equation.
So, don't fool yourself into thinking that little fights don't matter. Sure, no relationship is perfect, and you want to be open and express you opinion even if it leads to a disagreement. But, if you fight regularly or don't see eye to eye about things that matter most to you in life, then that won't get better.
And, it shouldn't be your goal to get someone to follow your belief system. They are entitled to their own. Sharing passions is one thing. But your life's work isn't to shape them into what you hope they would be.
I have heard couples say that their mate makes them a better person. And, that is great. But, you can't lay in wait for that to happen. You need to choose wisely.
Once a mensch (decent person), always a mensch. That's what you should strive for.
PS -- Check out the site http://www.singlefilm.com. The cousin of a friend of mine made this really cool independent film regarding single life, and it is very empowering and insightful.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Third Right: Right Place
You've probably been waiting with baited breath for Right #3 (LOL) -- well here goes.
It's The Right Place.
I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.
You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.
As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.
Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?
If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.
Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.
For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.
Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.
If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).
No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.
It's The Right Place.
I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.
You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.
As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.
Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?
If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.
Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.
For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.
Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.
If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).
No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Second Right: Right Attitude
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, there are Three Rights that are considered important in my book, when you are seeking a mate.
The first, Right Time, was discussed.
Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.
Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.
You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.
If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?
If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.
You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.
You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.
I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.
I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.
It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.
The first, Right Time, was discussed.
Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.
Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.
You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.
If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?
If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.
You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.
You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.
I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.
I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.
It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Three Rights: Right #1 -- The Right Time
In my book, How to Marry a Mensch, and in the workshops I teach, one of the key points I make is the importance of the Three Rights.
I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.
The first Right is the Right Time.
When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.
In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.
That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?
Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?
You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.
And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?
You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.
If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.
If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.
If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.
So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.
I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.
The first Right is the Right Time.
When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.
In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.
That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?
Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?
You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.
And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?
You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.
If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.
If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.
If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.
So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.
Monday, May 19, 2008
What If You Had a Crystal Ball?
I was speaking with a love coaching client who recently decided to consult with a psychic. She is living in a town where she has built a life for herself, but unhappily. She has a thriving career, house that she loves, is near her mom and dad, but knows it's not a place for her future. She is proud of what she has accomplished, but for a long time, has been counting the days that she would move on. She is in her 30s and dates little and has been yearning to relocate for years. The psychic assured her that her life will fall into place in a particular town, which she named, and that good things are awaiting her.
Just hearing this piece of information has given her a tremendous dose of confidence and is helping ease the stress and uncertainty in her mind. She is feeling more poised to make a move, though it's not happening tomorrow. For her, connecting with the psychic has helped her create a plan for herself and to trust she will find her soul mate.
I realize that professional psychics are not for everyone. And some, no doubt, are better than others. But, there is an interesting force at work here, if you think about it. It's the notion of getting a pat on the back about where you're headed and giving yourself permission to chill because the future holds promise.
Think about all the things you want for your life, including potentially finding a mate, if that is a goal. How would you live day-to-day if you knew when/where you would find that special someone....your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch? This is one of the points I make in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person).
Would it take the pressure off you? Would you go out and socialize and feel less uptight about it? Could you live more fully and happily in the present because the future seems spoken for?
There's a lot to be said for that. I realize no one has a crystal ball, and the average person is not capable of being their own psychic. And, I'm not suggesting you consult a psychic (though I have done so myself). But...what if you gave thought to living your life without the worry of what the future might bring? Might you walk around smiling more?
What if I told you with assurance that you will walk down the aisle one day? Would you believe it?
A big part of socializing success is truly knowing in your heart that it will happen for you. And, while it is very important to get out there and put yourself in venues/situations where you might make a love connection, you don't want to obsess about it either.
Allow yourself to think positively, and live in the present. Worrying about the future is so common. I certainly do it myself. But, it doesn't get us anywhere. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stay connected to this moment and put our most upbeat thoughts out there. We can manifest our future with our minds, to a certain extent. And, when you're socializing, you want to project a positive vibe. That will make you that much more appealing to the opposite sex.
So....dust off your crystal ball....and live knowing that you will not be single forever. Go forth and enjoy life, and take the dating pressure off. Do get out there, but do it was a greater sense of inner calm. It will ultimately serve you well.
Just hearing this piece of information has given her a tremendous dose of confidence and is helping ease the stress and uncertainty in her mind. She is feeling more poised to make a move, though it's not happening tomorrow. For her, connecting with the psychic has helped her create a plan for herself and to trust she will find her soul mate.
I realize that professional psychics are not for everyone. And some, no doubt, are better than others. But, there is an interesting force at work here, if you think about it. It's the notion of getting a pat on the back about where you're headed and giving yourself permission to chill because the future holds promise.
Think about all the things you want for your life, including potentially finding a mate, if that is a goal. How would you live day-to-day if you knew when/where you would find that special someone....your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch? This is one of the points I make in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person).
Would it take the pressure off you? Would you go out and socialize and feel less uptight about it? Could you live more fully and happily in the present because the future seems spoken for?
There's a lot to be said for that. I realize no one has a crystal ball, and the average person is not capable of being their own psychic. And, I'm not suggesting you consult a psychic (though I have done so myself). But...what if you gave thought to living your life without the worry of what the future might bring? Might you walk around smiling more?
What if I told you with assurance that you will walk down the aisle one day? Would you believe it?
A big part of socializing success is truly knowing in your heart that it will happen for you. And, while it is very important to get out there and put yourself in venues/situations where you might make a love connection, you don't want to obsess about it either.
Allow yourself to think positively, and live in the present. Worrying about the future is so common. I certainly do it myself. But, it doesn't get us anywhere. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stay connected to this moment and put our most upbeat thoughts out there. We can manifest our future with our minds, to a certain extent. And, when you're socializing, you want to project a positive vibe. That will make you that much more appealing to the opposite sex.
So....dust off your crystal ball....and live knowing that you will not be single forever. Go forth and enjoy life, and take the dating pressure off. Do get out there, but do it was a greater sense of inner calm. It will ultimately serve you well.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too
There is no such thing as the body perfect.
Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.
For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!
I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.
They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.
Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.
What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.
The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.
So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.
Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.
For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!
I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.
They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.
Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.
What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.
The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.
So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Notorious Checklist
Do you have one?
If so, are you willing to admit it?
And, what about your friends?
Do they?
How long is it?
You know what I'm talking about. The "checklist."
It is not uncommon to have one.
Some would view it as a "wishlist." What you wish you could find in a mate, in a perfect world.
But...since we surely don't live in a perfect world (what is perfect anyway?).... how effective is a checklist really?
I'm all for identifying what is important to us. And, as a writer, by nature, I often turn to pen and paper to record my thoughts, or the computer.
What is key about writing things down is that you have it to review over 'n over again. And, this can be a very helpful task during the dating process.
What exactly is it that you desire in a person?
Can you prioritize your list?
Are you willing to accept that it's quite the challenge....if not next to impossible....to "have it all"?
Ultimately, it comes down to what you can live with, and being realistic, if you truly want to find a life partner.
When I host one of my workshops for singles, I've been known to advise that you should throw half your checklist out the window.
I'm not suggesting you settle, though it may sound that way. But, if your standards are unrealistic, you will be unhappy with most people you meet. No one will measure up fully. Examine what matters most to you at the end of the day and over the long run.
And, conversely, take a look at what you have to offer in return. Make a checklist of your own strengths and weaknesses. What kind of romantic partner would you make? Are there areas in your own life that could use improving? If so, is it fair to expect so much from someone else when you have personal work to do? (And who doesn't have work to do, on some level? It's part of wanting to grow as an individual.)
We are each works-in-progress, evolving every day, and what we want/need can change over time. With age and experience often comes greater clarity.
For this reason too, having a written checklist can be telling if you tuck it away in a place (like a journal) where you can find it a year later, for example. Pull it out, and see how much of it still holds true.
I urge you to be open-minded as you go about socializing. Sometimes a prospective love interest might not look "perfect" on paper, but there's something about them that clicks/resonates with you if you give them a chance. You may be surprised...and pleasantly so.
So...don't do yourself a disservice by sticking so firmly by your trusty checklist....and don't write it in indellible ink. A little flexibility and realism can go a long way in the quest for love.
If so, are you willing to admit it?
And, what about your friends?
Do they?
How long is it?
You know what I'm talking about. The "checklist."
It is not uncommon to have one.
Some would view it as a "wishlist." What you wish you could find in a mate, in a perfect world.
But...since we surely don't live in a perfect world (what is perfect anyway?).... how effective is a checklist really?
I'm all for identifying what is important to us. And, as a writer, by nature, I often turn to pen and paper to record my thoughts, or the computer.
What is key about writing things down is that you have it to review over 'n over again. And, this can be a very helpful task during the dating process.
What exactly is it that you desire in a person?
Can you prioritize your list?
Are you willing to accept that it's quite the challenge....if not next to impossible....to "have it all"?
Ultimately, it comes down to what you can live with, and being realistic, if you truly want to find a life partner.
When I host one of my workshops for singles, I've been known to advise that you should throw half your checklist out the window.
I'm not suggesting you settle, though it may sound that way. But, if your standards are unrealistic, you will be unhappy with most people you meet. No one will measure up fully. Examine what matters most to you at the end of the day and over the long run.
And, conversely, take a look at what you have to offer in return. Make a checklist of your own strengths and weaknesses. What kind of romantic partner would you make? Are there areas in your own life that could use improving? If so, is it fair to expect so much from someone else when you have personal work to do? (And who doesn't have work to do, on some level? It's part of wanting to grow as an individual.)
We are each works-in-progress, evolving every day, and what we want/need can change over time. With age and experience often comes greater clarity.
For this reason too, having a written checklist can be telling if you tuck it away in a place (like a journal) where you can find it a year later, for example. Pull it out, and see how much of it still holds true.
I urge you to be open-minded as you go about socializing. Sometimes a prospective love interest might not look "perfect" on paper, but there's something about them that clicks/resonates with you if you give them a chance. You may be surprised...and pleasantly so.
So...don't do yourself a disservice by sticking so firmly by your trusty checklist....and don't write it in indellible ink. A little flexibility and realism can go a long way in the quest for love.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A Mensch and His Mom
In the past week, I engaged in two discussions relative to the character of a mensch....a decent, responsible person. The question arose, why does it matter if someone is a mensch, and how can you tell if they truly fit the bill? This was in regard to dating. The subject came up because I was explaining to a potential love coaching client how I work, and I mentioned the fact that we would discuss past relationships in an effort to examine dating choices, to see if there are any self-defeating patterns/red flags that emerge.
One of the things I feel strongly about is the notion of a mensch.
If you want to attract someone good into your life, then you first need to begin with yourself. Are you a mensch to yourself? Do you practice self care? Do you take time for your own needs? I realize this is easier said than done in today's hectic world, but you have to feel good about yourself (or at least as good as possible), so you can put positive vibes out there.
Are you a mensch to others? Do you do good in the world? Do you support any non-profit causes, either monetarily or through volunteer work? Do you help others when possible? Are you kind? Do you ever pay a compliment to someone?
And, a really telling point, when it comes to dating, is.....if you're a woman seeking a man, how does he treat his mother?
This is something very important to look at.
I'm not in any way suggesting he should be tied to his mom's apron strings. But, how would you, or he, define their relationship? Do they have one? Are they close? How often do they speak on the phone or see each other? Who initiates? Is the relationship based on money? Is one always looking for it from the other?
Does he go out of his way for her? Does he truly value having her in his life?
A friend of mine was discussing a single male friend of hers and how he always complains about his parents. He actually made the comment to her that his life would be simpler if they weren't around. She quickly responded that he would regret it if they were no longer in this world. Despite him having a "challenging" relationship with his folk, life does feel different if you have suffered a parental loss.
Why does it matter how a guy feels about his mom? Because, typically, if he is good to her, he will be good to you. He would have grown up with a respect for women and for the role women play in this world. He will want to be a supportive husband and be there for you to the best of his ability. He will have been raised with that ethic. He may even put you before himself, and who wouldn't appreciate that?!
So...do take the time to examine a man's relationship with his mom. Look closely. Think about it. And, keep in mind, that if you want a romance or marriage with this person, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
One of the things I feel strongly about is the notion of a mensch.
If you want to attract someone good into your life, then you first need to begin with yourself. Are you a mensch to yourself? Do you practice self care? Do you take time for your own needs? I realize this is easier said than done in today's hectic world, but you have to feel good about yourself (or at least as good as possible), so you can put positive vibes out there.
Are you a mensch to others? Do you do good in the world? Do you support any non-profit causes, either monetarily or through volunteer work? Do you help others when possible? Are you kind? Do you ever pay a compliment to someone?
And, a really telling point, when it comes to dating, is.....if you're a woman seeking a man, how does he treat his mother?
This is something very important to look at.
I'm not in any way suggesting he should be tied to his mom's apron strings. But, how would you, or he, define their relationship? Do they have one? Are they close? How often do they speak on the phone or see each other? Who initiates? Is the relationship based on money? Is one always looking for it from the other?
Does he go out of his way for her? Does he truly value having her in his life?
A friend of mine was discussing a single male friend of hers and how he always complains about his parents. He actually made the comment to her that his life would be simpler if they weren't around. She quickly responded that he would regret it if they were no longer in this world. Despite him having a "challenging" relationship with his folk, life does feel different if you have suffered a parental loss.
Why does it matter how a guy feels about his mom? Because, typically, if he is good to her, he will be good to you. He would have grown up with a respect for women and for the role women play in this world. He will want to be a supportive husband and be there for you to the best of his ability. He will have been raised with that ethic. He may even put you before himself, and who wouldn't appreciate that?!
So...do take the time to examine a man's relationship with his mom. Look closely. Think about it. And, keep in mind, that if you want a romance or marriage with this person, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day....or is it?
Valentine's Day is almost upon us.
How does it feel for you?
I can recall, when I was single, that I often found it a challenging occasion. I was working in Manhattan at the time, surrounded by florist, candy and card shops. When I ventured out during lunch time, I remember strategically crossing certain streets so as to avoid passing the windows chock full of beaming red love-related gifts on display.
Even when I was dating someone, Valentine's Day sometimes felt complex, depending on the nature of our relationship. Do you buy a card for someone if it's a new relationship? If so, what should the card say? Is a card enough? If you want to give a gift, how would it be interpreted? What if I give him a card, but I don't get one in return? And, should we have a date on Valentine's Day, and if so what is the significance of it? Does it need to be by candelight? Who picks the place? etc.....I could go on 'n on.
As you can see, I drove myself crazy, and probably overanalyzed the holiday. But, really, it was all in an effort to do the right thing, and send the right message to my hopeful Mr. Right Mensch.
But, why put all that pressure on yourself?!
Let me make a suggestion.
Make Valentine's Day a day of self love. Let it be an empowering holiday for you where you do something sweet for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. Have you been wanting to book a massage? How about a girls get together watching a classic chick flick? How about a guys night out at the local sports bar? Celebrate the people you love in your life. Maybe even start a new tradition. Plan a lunch with your favorite gal pals and make it a meal you'll always remember. It's a nice break in the day, and you can do it year after year, even after you meet your mensch.
How often do you give yourself permission to chill? I can personally confess that whether single or married, I've never been great at it. My To Do list is ever growing and never ending. If that sounds like you, take advantage of Valentine's Day and don't think about looking for a mate, if you're not already dating someone. Focus on being the best you can be. Tell cupid to take a hike for today. You can resume your social networking tomorrow.
It's just another day. And, if in the mood, you can always buy yourself a box of chocolates at 1/2 price the day after.
REMINDER -- Check out my new How to Marry a Mensch YouTube video, and be sure to post a comment on youtube if you like it, and pass it on -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8&eurl=http://lovecoach.com/
You can also visit www.lovecoach.com and click on the video from there.
How does it feel for you?
I can recall, when I was single, that I often found it a challenging occasion. I was working in Manhattan at the time, surrounded by florist, candy and card shops. When I ventured out during lunch time, I remember strategically crossing certain streets so as to avoid passing the windows chock full of beaming red love-related gifts on display.
Even when I was dating someone, Valentine's Day sometimes felt complex, depending on the nature of our relationship. Do you buy a card for someone if it's a new relationship? If so, what should the card say? Is a card enough? If you want to give a gift, how would it be interpreted? What if I give him a card, but I don't get one in return? And, should we have a date on Valentine's Day, and if so what is the significance of it? Does it need to be by candelight? Who picks the place? etc.....I could go on 'n on.
As you can see, I drove myself crazy, and probably overanalyzed the holiday. But, really, it was all in an effort to do the right thing, and send the right message to my hopeful Mr. Right Mensch.
But, why put all that pressure on yourself?!
Let me make a suggestion.
Make Valentine's Day a day of self love. Let it be an empowering holiday for you where you do something sweet for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. Have you been wanting to book a massage? How about a girls get together watching a classic chick flick? How about a guys night out at the local sports bar? Celebrate the people you love in your life. Maybe even start a new tradition. Plan a lunch with your favorite gal pals and make it a meal you'll always remember. It's a nice break in the day, and you can do it year after year, even after you meet your mensch.
How often do you give yourself permission to chill? I can personally confess that whether single or married, I've never been great at it. My To Do list is ever growing and never ending. If that sounds like you, take advantage of Valentine's Day and don't think about looking for a mate, if you're not already dating someone. Focus on being the best you can be. Tell cupid to take a hike for today. You can resume your social networking tomorrow.
It's just another day. And, if in the mood, you can always buy yourself a box of chocolates at 1/2 price the day after.
REMINDER -- Check out my new How to Marry a Mensch YouTube video, and be sure to post a comment on youtube if you like it, and pass it on -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8&eurl=http://lovecoach.com/
You can also visit www.lovecoach.com and click on the video from there.
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