Facing Ourselves

It is sometimes hard to face ourselves.

I was speaking with a single female love coaching client recently who told me she consulted with a psychic about her love life. The psychic clearly told her some things that were very hard to hear. She said that they were holding her back from moving forward. My client didn’t want to admit it at first because it was somewhat painful facing the truth, but then she realized that the psychic was in fact right on.

The bottomline, the psychic said, is that she had unresolved issues in her life. And, that working on them would be an important step in her personal growth that was essential before she could romantically partner with someone successfully for the long run.

While my client felt sure that she is ready to meet Mr. Right Mensch now, she admitted that she is still holding on a bit to unresolved feelings for a past boyfriend, and that there are other aspects of her life she'd like to improve.

I am sharing this story with you because we all go through challenges in life. And, before you can realistically expect to meet your life partner, you want to be in the best possible place/space for yourself.

So, while it might not be easy, take a close look at yourself. What expectations do you have for your life? What are you in pursuit of for the long run? Do you feel optimistic about where you're headed? Do you want to move? Do you still find yourself thinking about past loves?

These are all valid questions to ask. And, don't judge yourself if you don't like your response. Be honest. Even talk it through with a close friend, if it helps.

The key is to admit where you're at this very moment, so you can then work toward inviting love into your life.

PS -- If you are single and a fan of my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person), join the new Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=35396093120

Fix-Ups

A gal I know told me of a new book recently that she contributed to. It's called "Have I Got a Guy for You:" what really happens when Mom fixes you up (edited by Alix Strauss). It's a collection of true stories of well-meaning matches contributed by various writers. Not only is it a hoot, and a very fun read, but it leads me to my subject of the week. Fix-Ups.

Have you ever had one? Have you ever initiated one? And how did it go?

Unlike the stories in this book, my mom (may she rest in peace) was never one to attempt to fix me up, though she did offer her opinions re: ths guys I dated, outfits I wore on dates, etc. And, while I was living at home, she was the late night clockwatcher, commenting the following morning on my arrival, even when I thought I made it into my bed unnoticed.

In general, for whatever reason, I was never one to get fixed up much. This is probably true because most, if not all, of my friends were actively single as well. We were all in pursuit at the same time, so we could rarely help each other in that department. And, I wasn't one to reach out to extended family or others to broach the subject. It felt embarassing to be asking for love.

I do recall in college, that a friend set me up. And, looking back, it was an experience I'd prefer to forget, though it does get me laughing now that it is long past. It was a double date, which is never easy when one couple is hot 'n heavy, and you are first meeting your date. I was living in a dorm at the time, and he came to meet me in the lobby of my building. The student on duty called up to my room upon his arrival, so that I would know to come down. In anticipation of my date, a number of my floormates were already perched anxiously in the lobby to get a look at my "intended," and the news wasn't good. They were buzzing me from their cell phones quietly warning me that his looks would not knock my socks off.

I was always one to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, they happened to be right. He was very studious looking. Kinda greasy-haired -- and not in the stylish sense. And, his blindingly plaid pants were what we referred to as in the "year of the flood"....meaning they were set above his ankles. In general, he looked like a poindexter, and this was a hard thing to get past.

I was polite, hoping at least he could be a mensch (decent person), and that would be a good thing. We walked to the car where my friend and her date were waiting, and they were all ready all over each other. I could see the windows steamed up as we approached. Thankfully they were fully clothed, but this was not a comfortable scenario, particularly given that I couldn't even envision kissing my date goodnight, never mind anything more.

I learned from this experience. A blind date can be challenging enough, but when done on a double date, other challenges may arise.

That said....I'm still a fan of the fix-up. And, you never know where it may come from. Granted, your mom, as well meaning as she may be, isn't always the best source. But, your local dry cleaner could be, or even someone at the gym. I've heard all kinds of unexpected love encounters due to the kindness of someone who thought to make a connection.

But, don't assume it will just happen. Even if someone knows you're single and are looking for a partner, doesn't mean they'll think of you. Everyone is busy living their own life, so why not plant the seed? It's not being desperate, if that is how it feels to you. It's being proactive.

So, take at look at those in your life. Is there anyone you might mention a fix-up to? Go for it! Hey...it never hurts to have someone else looking out on your behalf....and mom would be pleased to know that she's not the only one hoping to get you hitched.

The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too

There is no such thing as the body perfect.

Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.

For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!

I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.

They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.

Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.

What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.

The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.

So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.

The Notorious Checklist

Do you have one?

If so, are you willing to admit it?

And, what about your friends?

Do they?

How long is it?

You know what I'm talking about. The "checklist."

It is not uncommon to have one.

Some would view it as a "wishlist." What you wish you could find in a mate, in a perfect world.

But...since we surely don't live in a perfect world (what is perfect anyway?).... how effective is a checklist really?

I'm all for identifying what is important to us. And, as a writer, by nature, I often turn to pen and paper to record my thoughts, or the computer.

What is key about writing things down is that you have it to review over 'n over again. And, this can be a very helpful task during the dating process.

What exactly is it that you desire in a person?

Can you prioritize your list?

Are you willing to accept that it's quite the challenge....if not next to impossible....to "have it all"?

Ultimately, it comes down to what you can live with, and being realistic, if you truly want to find a life partner.

When I host one of my workshops for singles, I've been known to advise that you should throw half your checklist out the window.

I'm not suggesting you settle, though it may sound that way. But, if your standards are unrealistic, you will be unhappy with most people you meet. No one will measure up fully. Examine what matters most to you at the end of the day and over the long run.

And, conversely, take a look at what you have to offer in return. Make a checklist of your own strengths and weaknesses. What kind of romantic partner would you make? Are there areas in your own life that could use improving? If so, is it fair to expect so much from someone else when you have personal work to do? (And who doesn't have work to do, on some level? It's part of wanting to grow as an individual.)

We are each works-in-progress, evolving every day, and what we want/need can change over time. With age and experience often comes greater clarity.

For this reason too, having a written checklist can be telling if you tuck it away in a place (like a journal) where you can find it a year later, for example. Pull it out, and see how much of it still holds true.

I urge you to be open-minded as you go about socializing. Sometimes a prospective love interest might not look "perfect" on paper, but there's something about them that clicks/resonates with you if you give them a chance. You may be surprised...and pleasantly so.

So...don't do yourself a disservice by sticking so firmly by your trusty checklist....and don't write it in indellible ink. A little flexibility and realism can go a long way in the quest for love.

The Right Mate

My husband and I just celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary. Quite a milestone, I must say. The years sure do go fast. And, now we have a four year old son, so life is full.

As I look back over these past 15 years, we have been through a lot together as a couple. Happy times. Challenging times. Change. Loss. Disappointment. Elation. You name it. The gamut of emotions.

And, what has become very evident to me is the criticalness of knowing yourself, as you endeavor to find a mate. You want to choose wisely before you walk down the aisle.

It is so important to be happy as an individual, and to know that the right partner could enhance your life, but that you'd also be okay without one. You don't want to approach matrimony from a place of insecurity because you don't want to be alone. Approaching it from a positive perspective is the way to go.

And, part of choosing wisely is to find a mensch. How do you recognize a mensch, and why should you want one? A mensch will truly stand the test of time. They will be there for you, offering love and support, no matter what. You won't have to question their level of commitment to the relationship because you will know it through their behavior. You, in turn, need to be a mensch, so that you are both appreciated.

I'm so grateful that I found my Mr. Right Mensch, and I hope you will find yours too.