I was at the gym the other night, and I got to talking with one of the girls working out.
She had been speaking with her trainer about her engaged brother who is planning a wedding. The parents of the bride had planned to pay for the affair, but the groom's parents opted to split the cost because they wanted to be able to offer opinions, be included on the invitation, etc.
And, then she proceeded to share how her brother's fiance can be a bit of a "challenge." That already she has seen rifts between her and her brother. And, the fiance is in fact meeting with the mother of the groom in the next week or so in an effort to clear the air.
Being a proponent, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, of mensches making the best marriage material, I wondered what kind of woman we are speaking of here. While I have never met her, we got into a discussion at the gym about change and relationships.
My feeling is that people don't typically change.
If you are marrying someone with the hope that they have the potential to become a different person, I don't think that's particularly realistic.
Sure, we all influence each other. It is possible for people to cultivate new interests. Try out new skills. Change their wardrobe. Get a updated haircut....etc....etc.
However, people don't alter their basic character.
What you see is what you get in that sense.
So, when you are dating someone, trust your gut. If there is something about their behavior that you question, don't sweep it under the rug. There's only so many dustballs you want under that rug.
You can't make someone more fun than they are. You can't give them a sense of humor. You can't change their sense of responsibility. You can't make them close to their friends, if friendship isn't important to them.
And, as life packs on more responsibility, things can get more challenging, especially if you add children to that equation.
So, don't fool yourself into thinking that little fights don't matter. Sure, no relationship is perfect, and you want to be open and express you opinion even if it leads to a disagreement. But, if you fight regularly or don't see eye to eye about things that matter most to you in life, then that won't get better.
And, it shouldn't be your goal to get someone to follow your belief system. They are entitled to their own. Sharing passions is one thing. But your life's work isn't to shape them into what you hope they would be.
I have heard couples say that their mate makes them a better person. And, that is great. But, you can't lay in wait for that to happen. You need to choose wisely.
Once a mensch (decent person), always a mensch. That's what you should strive for.
PS -- Check out the site http://www.singlefilm.com. The cousin of a friend of mine made this really cool independent film regarding single life, and it is very empowering and insightful.
Showing posts with label singles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singles. Show all posts
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Third Right: Right Place
You've probably been waiting with baited breath for Right #3 (LOL) -- well here goes.
It's The Right Place.
I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.
You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.
As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.
Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?
If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.
Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.
For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.
Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.
If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).
No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.
It's The Right Place.
I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.
You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.
As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.
Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?
If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.
Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.
For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.
Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.
Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.
If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).
No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.
Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Second Right: Right Attitude
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, there are Three Rights that are considered important in my book, when you are seeking a mate.
The first, Right Time, was discussed.
Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.
Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.
You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.
If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?
If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.
You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.
You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.
I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.
I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.
It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.
The first, Right Time, was discussed.
Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.
Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.
You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.
If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?
If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.
You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.
You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.
I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.
I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.
It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Three Rights: Right #1 -- The Right Time
In my book, How to Marry a Mensch, and in the workshops I teach, one of the key points I make is the importance of the Three Rights.
I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.
The first Right is the Right Time.
When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.
In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.
That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?
Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?
You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.
And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?
You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.
If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.
If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.
If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.
So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.
I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.
The first Right is the Right Time.
When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.
In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.
That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?
Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?
You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.
And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?
You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.
If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.
If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.
If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.
So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Summer Lovin'
Before you know it, summer will be upon us. If you're like me, you can't wait for consistently warm and sunny days....preferably without humidity. Blue skies bring the promise of summer lovin', and the opportunity to get outdoors and seize the socializing moment.
So, with the sun gaining on us, have you thought about how you're going to spend your days?
Countless new socializing option present themselves this time of year. Some organized....some not.
One place that I enjoyed a lot when I was single is Club Getaway in Kent, CT. They offer loads of activities, or you can just chill by the lake. There are a variety of theme weekends that might appeal to you. Phone 877-7GO-PLAY, and tell them Love Coach Robin Gorman Newman sent you, to receive a $25 discount.
A number of my love coaching clients have expressed interest in joining a share house in the Hampton's (NY). That is an option. Look for one that feels comfortable to you. Fire Island is another cool place to spend summer weekends, if you love the water and a more low key environment.
Consider an afternoon in Central Park, if you're in NY....or hang out in a park near you. Tip....have a prop. Props can help get a conversation going. Wear a t-shirt with an interesting saying or logo. It might catch someone's eye and give them something to talk about. Walk a dog. Visit a Dog Run. Dogs can be people magnet. Throw around a frisbee. Put a smile on your face and make direct eye contact with people.
Get moving. Partake in sports. Consider joining a league. Activities that offer continuity...the opportunity to see the same faces more than once...can help break the ice.
You don't have to be a jock. Sometimes a willingness and load of enthusiasm is all you need. Effort is appreciated. Check out some of the sites below. If the concept appeals to you, look for a chapter in your town, or a similar group that is local.
www.zogsports.com
www.adventuresociety.com
www.mosaicoutdoor.org
www.wildearthadventures.com
www.harrimanhikers.org
www.nynjtc.org
If you incorporate outdoor activities into your social regime, not only will you get some great exercise, but you'll meet people in a whole new way. And, because you're engaged in an activity, it takes the pressure off.
So get out....get movin'.....and shake up your body & love life!
So, with the sun gaining on us, have you thought about how you're going to spend your days?
Countless new socializing option present themselves this time of year. Some organized....some not.
One place that I enjoyed a lot when I was single is Club Getaway in Kent, CT. They offer loads of activities, or you can just chill by the lake. There are a variety of theme weekends that might appeal to you. Phone 877-7GO-PLAY, and tell them Love Coach Robin Gorman Newman sent you, to receive a $25 discount.
A number of my love coaching clients have expressed interest in joining a share house in the Hampton's (NY). That is an option. Look for one that feels comfortable to you. Fire Island is another cool place to spend summer weekends, if you love the water and a more low key environment.
Consider an afternoon in Central Park, if you're in NY....or hang out in a park near you. Tip....have a prop. Props can help get a conversation going. Wear a t-shirt with an interesting saying or logo. It might catch someone's eye and give them something to talk about. Walk a dog. Visit a Dog Run. Dogs can be people magnet. Throw around a frisbee. Put a smile on your face and make direct eye contact with people.
Get moving. Partake in sports. Consider joining a league. Activities that offer continuity...the opportunity to see the same faces more than once...can help break the ice.
You don't have to be a jock. Sometimes a willingness and load of enthusiasm is all you need. Effort is appreciated. Check out some of the sites below. If the concept appeals to you, look for a chapter in your town, or a similar group that is local.
www.zogsports.com
www.adventuresociety.com
www.mosaicoutdoor.org
www.wildearthadventures.com
www.harrimanhikers.org
www.nynjtc.org
If you incorporate outdoor activities into your social regime, not only will you get some great exercise, but you'll meet people in a whole new way. And, because you're engaged in an activity, it takes the pressure off.
So get out....get movin'.....and shake up your body & love life!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too
There is no such thing as the body perfect.
Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.
For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!
I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.
They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.
Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.
What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.
The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.
So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.
Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.
For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!
I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.
They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.
Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.
What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.
The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.
So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Finding Love Where You Live
Have you ever heard the expression.....everywhere you go, there you are?!
Meaning....however you think...whatever attitude or vibe you give off, it is always with you, whether you realize it or not.
In the past week, I received emails from three single gals, interestingly, all inquiring about where they now live.
One from Europe moved to NY a year ago. And, while she enjoys Manhattan, she is surprised that her love life isn't quite what she was anticipating. She has friends here who built it up, and now she finds herself somewhat letdown.
Another lives in a resort town in the South (U.S.), and feels very isolated, but she is near her folks. She consulted with a psychic recently who said she would be moving in the next year to a town where she will ultimately find happiness romantically and otherwise. She has mixed thoughts about the change. While she hates where she lives, she also has a sense of security due to the familiarity, not to mention an established career. The unknown is both exciting and daunting to her. She is convinced she will never meet a prospective mate if she stays put.
A third lives in a large city but is considering moving to an even larger city, like NY, if the socializing opportunities are greater. She doesn't know if she should relocate. Would the odds, in fact, be in her favor if she moved, or does she just think they would be? She is doing research on the matter.
Each was asking my opinion.
While there is no guarantee that you'll find love in a particular city, it is helpful to examine the likelihood. For example, the single woman living in the resort community feels the odds are against her. While that may be so, it only takes one, so you do never know.
There are a few important points to make here.
*You want to trust your gut. If your instincts are telling you this isn't the town for you, there is something to be said for that. Hear your inner voice. But, also be sure you're not throwing the towel in prematurely. Have you really made an effort where you are?
*Change can be good. It is normal to be fearful of the unknown, though some are great at embracing it. But, don't let it hold you back. It's amazing how time helps us adjust to new circumstances, and even delight in them!
*You need to believe you can meet someone. If you are questioning the potential to connect with a potential mate, that could wind up being your fate. You want to think positive and put out that vibe. It has been said that what we think, we manifest. We are the master of our thoughts.
So, while where you live certainly can impact your social life, it's not as simple as pointing the finger at your town of choice.
Do consider the above, and remember that your single years can be a time for self exploration and experimentation. Don't let your place of residence hold you back. If you honestly feel that you can do better elsewhere, then go for it! But, remember to pack a positive mindset and not just your luggage.
Meaning....however you think...whatever attitude or vibe you give off, it is always with you, whether you realize it or not.
In the past week, I received emails from three single gals, interestingly, all inquiring about where they now live.
One from Europe moved to NY a year ago. And, while she enjoys Manhattan, she is surprised that her love life isn't quite what she was anticipating. She has friends here who built it up, and now she finds herself somewhat letdown.
Another lives in a resort town in the South (U.S.), and feels very isolated, but she is near her folks. She consulted with a psychic recently who said she would be moving in the next year to a town where she will ultimately find happiness romantically and otherwise. She has mixed thoughts about the change. While she hates where she lives, she also has a sense of security due to the familiarity, not to mention an established career. The unknown is both exciting and daunting to her. She is convinced she will never meet a prospective mate if she stays put.
A third lives in a large city but is considering moving to an even larger city, like NY, if the socializing opportunities are greater. She doesn't know if she should relocate. Would the odds, in fact, be in her favor if she moved, or does she just think they would be? She is doing research on the matter.
Each was asking my opinion.
While there is no guarantee that you'll find love in a particular city, it is helpful to examine the likelihood. For example, the single woman living in the resort community feels the odds are against her. While that may be so, it only takes one, so you do never know.
There are a few important points to make here.
*You want to trust your gut. If your instincts are telling you this isn't the town for you, there is something to be said for that. Hear your inner voice. But, also be sure you're not throwing the towel in prematurely. Have you really made an effort where you are?
*Change can be good. It is normal to be fearful of the unknown, though some are great at embracing it. But, don't let it hold you back. It's amazing how time helps us adjust to new circumstances, and even delight in them!
*You need to believe you can meet someone. If you are questioning the potential to connect with a potential mate, that could wind up being your fate. You want to think positive and put out that vibe. It has been said that what we think, we manifest. We are the master of our thoughts.
So, while where you live certainly can impact your social life, it's not as simple as pointing the finger at your town of choice.
Do consider the above, and remember that your single years can be a time for self exploration and experimentation. Don't let your place of residence hold you back. If you honestly feel that you can do better elsewhere, then go for it! But, remember to pack a positive mindset and not just your luggage.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day....or is it?
Valentine's Day is almost upon us.
How does it feel for you?
I can recall, when I was single, that I often found it a challenging occasion. I was working in Manhattan at the time, surrounded by florist, candy and card shops. When I ventured out during lunch time, I remember strategically crossing certain streets so as to avoid passing the windows chock full of beaming red love-related gifts on display.
Even when I was dating someone, Valentine's Day sometimes felt complex, depending on the nature of our relationship. Do you buy a card for someone if it's a new relationship? If so, what should the card say? Is a card enough? If you want to give a gift, how would it be interpreted? What if I give him a card, but I don't get one in return? And, should we have a date on Valentine's Day, and if so what is the significance of it? Does it need to be by candelight? Who picks the place? etc.....I could go on 'n on.
As you can see, I drove myself crazy, and probably overanalyzed the holiday. But, really, it was all in an effort to do the right thing, and send the right message to my hopeful Mr. Right Mensch.
But, why put all that pressure on yourself?!
Let me make a suggestion.
Make Valentine's Day a day of self love. Let it be an empowering holiday for you where you do something sweet for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. Have you been wanting to book a massage? How about a girls get together watching a classic chick flick? How about a guys night out at the local sports bar? Celebrate the people you love in your life. Maybe even start a new tradition. Plan a lunch with your favorite gal pals and make it a meal you'll always remember. It's a nice break in the day, and you can do it year after year, even after you meet your mensch.
How often do you give yourself permission to chill? I can personally confess that whether single or married, I've never been great at it. My To Do list is ever growing and never ending. If that sounds like you, take advantage of Valentine's Day and don't think about looking for a mate, if you're not already dating someone. Focus on being the best you can be. Tell cupid to take a hike for today. You can resume your social networking tomorrow.
It's just another day. And, if in the mood, you can always buy yourself a box of chocolates at 1/2 price the day after.
REMINDER -- Check out my new How to Marry a Mensch YouTube video, and be sure to post a comment on youtube if you like it, and pass it on -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8&eurl=http://lovecoach.com/
You can also visit www.lovecoach.com and click on the video from there.
How does it feel for you?
I can recall, when I was single, that I often found it a challenging occasion. I was working in Manhattan at the time, surrounded by florist, candy and card shops. When I ventured out during lunch time, I remember strategically crossing certain streets so as to avoid passing the windows chock full of beaming red love-related gifts on display.
Even when I was dating someone, Valentine's Day sometimes felt complex, depending on the nature of our relationship. Do you buy a card for someone if it's a new relationship? If so, what should the card say? Is a card enough? If you want to give a gift, how would it be interpreted? What if I give him a card, but I don't get one in return? And, should we have a date on Valentine's Day, and if so what is the significance of it? Does it need to be by candelight? Who picks the place? etc.....I could go on 'n on.
As you can see, I drove myself crazy, and probably overanalyzed the holiday. But, really, it was all in an effort to do the right thing, and send the right message to my hopeful Mr. Right Mensch.
But, why put all that pressure on yourself?!
Let me make a suggestion.
Make Valentine's Day a day of self love. Let it be an empowering holiday for you where you do something sweet for yourself that you wouldn't normally do. Have you been wanting to book a massage? How about a girls get together watching a classic chick flick? How about a guys night out at the local sports bar? Celebrate the people you love in your life. Maybe even start a new tradition. Plan a lunch with your favorite gal pals and make it a meal you'll always remember. It's a nice break in the day, and you can do it year after year, even after you meet your mensch.
How often do you give yourself permission to chill? I can personally confess that whether single or married, I've never been great at it. My To Do list is ever growing and never ending. If that sounds like you, take advantage of Valentine's Day and don't think about looking for a mate, if you're not already dating someone. Focus on being the best you can be. Tell cupid to take a hike for today. You can resume your social networking tomorrow.
It's just another day. And, if in the mood, you can always buy yourself a box of chocolates at 1/2 price the day after.
REMINDER -- Check out my new How to Marry a Mensch YouTube video, and be sure to post a comment on youtube if you like it, and pass it on -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8&eurl=http://lovecoach.com/
You can also visit www.lovecoach.com and click on the video from there.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
International Flirting Week
You might not have heard of it, but International Flirting Week is approaching. The dates are February 11-17, and here's the description of the occasion: Celebrating the ancient art of flirting and recognizing the role it plays in the lives of singles seeking a mate, couples looking to sustain their love and those simply exchanging a playful glance with a stranger, acquaintance, colleague, etc.
Now that you've marked your calendar accordingly :), what kind of flirter, if any, are you?
Do you like to flirt? Do you do it with ease? Or, do you shy away from attempting it? Do you aspire to flirt, but don't know where to start?
I used to co-host an event in NYC a number of years ago called the School of Flirting. We would meet at a comedy club once/month, and offer tips to singles in the audience, play flirting games, comics performed, etc. It was a fun time, but also designed to be helpful to those seeking to brush up on their flirting skills.
What I often found is that flirting, for some, is a skill they have yet to acquire. If you have a job, making the transition from work to play, isn't the easiest, as you know. But, once you let your hair down and decide to turn your attention to socializing, are you able to make eye contact with someone? Do you exhibit open body language? Is making small talk something you attempt?
The idea behind flirting is that you catch the eye of someone you'd like to meet. On the most basic level, this is done by catching someone's glance, smiling, then looking away, and repeating. The key is to make sure they are totally aware that you are smiling at them, otherwise you won't get anywhere. Also important is open body language. If you're in a social setting, do you stand with your arms crossed? Are you looking down at the ground?
If it helps, hold a glass in your hand, so you can't cross your arms so easily. And, make sure you don't look like you want to keep to yourself.
If you go out with friends, don't surround yourself by the "troops," so to speak. It is hard to break through that, if someone would want to approach you.
Flirting doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, and that's ok. But, the more you do it, the more automatic it will become. And, if you've taken the time to venture out, you want to at least look like you're having a reasonably good time. That will make you all the more appealing to the opposite sex, and that's what leads to optimum socializing success.
Now that you've marked your calendar accordingly :), what kind of flirter, if any, are you?
Do you like to flirt? Do you do it with ease? Or, do you shy away from attempting it? Do you aspire to flirt, but don't know where to start?
I used to co-host an event in NYC a number of years ago called the School of Flirting. We would meet at a comedy club once/month, and offer tips to singles in the audience, play flirting games, comics performed, etc. It was a fun time, but also designed to be helpful to those seeking to brush up on their flirting skills.
What I often found is that flirting, for some, is a skill they have yet to acquire. If you have a job, making the transition from work to play, isn't the easiest, as you know. But, once you let your hair down and decide to turn your attention to socializing, are you able to make eye contact with someone? Do you exhibit open body language? Is making small talk something you attempt?
The idea behind flirting is that you catch the eye of someone you'd like to meet. On the most basic level, this is done by catching someone's glance, smiling, then looking away, and repeating. The key is to make sure they are totally aware that you are smiling at them, otherwise you won't get anywhere. Also important is open body language. If you're in a social setting, do you stand with your arms crossed? Are you looking down at the ground?
If it helps, hold a glass in your hand, so you can't cross your arms so easily. And, make sure you don't look like you want to keep to yourself.
If you go out with friends, don't surround yourself by the "troops," so to speak. It is hard to break through that, if someone would want to approach you.
Flirting doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, and that's ok. But, the more you do it, the more automatic it will become. And, if you've taken the time to venture out, you want to at least look like you're having a reasonably good time. That will make you all the more appealing to the opposite sex, and that's what leads to optimum socializing success.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It's an Inner Job
I spoke with a single friend today who made the comment "It's an Inner Job," and I couldn't agree more. And, I like the way she phrased it.
What did she mean?
We were talking about the challenges of dating. She is single and has had a steady string of failed relationships. She is now 50, and looks back on her choices and realizes she wasted a lot of time with men who weren't truly suitable for her.
Her most recent relationship lasted about 8 years, and it was never totally smooth-sailing. I'm not saying that any relationship is without flaws or bumps along the way. But, it should enhance your life and not feel like constant work.
Since that break-up, she has done a lot of thinking....reading....and self-introspection. And, she has emerged with greater clarity.
As she thinks back, she is able to admit that she, herself, wasn't in the best place. If she had truly felt good about herself inside, she would have more readily seen how this relationship was not an empowering one for her. But, she was wounded and coming from a place of need...not one of strength.
We need to take a care of our bodies and souls. Going to the gym or maintaining some level of fitness and good health is essential for self care. And, it shows. But, what doesn't immediately show is how your feel inside. It's so easy to walk around with demons, insecurities, etc., and no one would know it. We all have them, but to different degrees. But, it can lead you to seek out others like yourself, and that isn't necessarily the best match.
So, step back. Get quiet. Slow down. Get a good night's sleep. Try meditation or yoga. And, see what comes up for you. Talk to others. Share what you feel. And, work on your inner being. Time can be very healing. And, for the sake of your future relationships, you want to come from as positive a place as possible.
What did she mean?
We were talking about the challenges of dating. She is single and has had a steady string of failed relationships. She is now 50, and looks back on her choices and realizes she wasted a lot of time with men who weren't truly suitable for her.
Her most recent relationship lasted about 8 years, and it was never totally smooth-sailing. I'm not saying that any relationship is without flaws or bumps along the way. But, it should enhance your life and not feel like constant work.
Since that break-up, she has done a lot of thinking....reading....and self-introspection. And, she has emerged with greater clarity.
As she thinks back, she is able to admit that she, herself, wasn't in the best place. If she had truly felt good about herself inside, she would have more readily seen how this relationship was not an empowering one for her. But, she was wounded and coming from a place of need...not one of strength.
We need to take a care of our bodies and souls. Going to the gym or maintaining some level of fitness and good health is essential for self care. And, it shows. But, what doesn't immediately show is how your feel inside. It's so easy to walk around with demons, insecurities, etc., and no one would know it. We all have them, but to different degrees. But, it can lead you to seek out others like yourself, and that isn't necessarily the best match.
So, step back. Get quiet. Slow down. Get a good night's sleep. Try meditation or yoga. And, see what comes up for you. Talk to others. Share what you feel. And, work on your inner being. Time can be very healing. And, for the sake of your future relationships, you want to come from as positive a place as possible.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Once a Mensch....Always a Mensch?
Once a Mensch....always a mensch? BIG question.
I received an email from a single gal who was recently given a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. She raised a really interesting point, and one that I'd like to discuss with you. She thanked me for inspiring singles to seek out a quality person, and shared her story.
She had dated a guy she met in college for a couple of years who she considered a mensch. They broke up, and have since gotten back together. During the time they were apart, she was aware that his behavior had been less than mensch-like, in her opinion. She didn't relate specifics, but wanted to know if someone can be a reformed mensch? Could he return to his original menschlike ways, or was he not really a mensch to begin with?
What is your feeling on that? I welcome your feedback.
My take on it is that a person can change for the better, if they really want to. But, you need to examine what led to their stray from menschhood begin with. Was there something from their background that has yet to be resolved? Are they willing to work on it? Is he or she acting like a mensch with you but not with others? How do they speak of and treat their parents? All this can be telling. I'm not suggesting you psychoanalyze them, but these are critical points to consider. Can you speak with them openly about it?
You don't want to wind up with someone who you have to make major allowances for. No one is perfect, but you should feel good about the type of person they are. Trust your gut. If you are questioning their basic character, there must be a reason that a red flag is being raised. Don't ignore it. Sweeping your concerns under the carpet can lead to future heartache.
Even a true mensch can have good and bad days, but that's very different than someone with behavior you consider immoral. It's not your job to change someone. In this case, since he knew what it was like to be a mensch, he clearly had the capability of rising to the occasion. It remains to be seen what happens with their relationship this time around.
Thought you might like to note this upcoming occasion....
LOVE A MENSCH WEEK - February 11 -17, 2008
Mensches are decent, responsible men or women. During this week, singles look to meet a mensch as well as take time to appreciate how mensches enhance our lives.
I received an email from a single gal who was recently given a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. She raised a really interesting point, and one that I'd like to discuss with you. She thanked me for inspiring singles to seek out a quality person, and shared her story.
She had dated a guy she met in college for a couple of years who she considered a mensch. They broke up, and have since gotten back together. During the time they were apart, she was aware that his behavior had been less than mensch-like, in her opinion. She didn't relate specifics, but wanted to know if someone can be a reformed mensch? Could he return to his original menschlike ways, or was he not really a mensch to begin with?
What is your feeling on that? I welcome your feedback.
My take on it is that a person can change for the better, if they really want to. But, you need to examine what led to their stray from menschhood begin with. Was there something from their background that has yet to be resolved? Are they willing to work on it? Is he or she acting like a mensch with you but not with others? How do they speak of and treat their parents? All this can be telling. I'm not suggesting you psychoanalyze them, but these are critical points to consider. Can you speak with them openly about it?
You don't want to wind up with someone who you have to make major allowances for. No one is perfect, but you should feel good about the type of person they are. Trust your gut. If you are questioning their basic character, there must be a reason that a red flag is being raised. Don't ignore it. Sweeping your concerns under the carpet can lead to future heartache.
Even a true mensch can have good and bad days, but that's very different than someone with behavior you consider immoral. It's not your job to change someone. In this case, since he knew what it was like to be a mensch, he clearly had the capability of rising to the occasion. It remains to be seen what happens with their relationship this time around.
Thought you might like to note this upcoming occasion....
LOVE A MENSCH WEEK - February 11 -17, 2008
Mensches are decent, responsible men or women. During this week, singles look to meet a mensch as well as take time to appreciate how mensches enhance our lives.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Putting Your Best Voice Forward
I attended a networking luncheon this week for enterprising women, and I entered into an interesting, and unexpected, discussion with one of the attendees.
We went around the room, introducing ourselves, so that we could connect with each other after the meal, exchange business cards, etc. People laughed when I annouced my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, as they often do. It typically raises curiosity and discussion from singles in the room.
As I was preparing to leave, a woman approached me. Being the love coach that I am, I immediately thought she was going to ask me about meeting someone, and the wheels started to turn about my dad's friend who I blogged about earlier. Hmmmm...maybe she could be someone for him?
That wasn't what she had in mind. Turned out she is a speech pathologist/coach and works with individuals looking to improve their speaking voices. She wondered if any of my coaching clients ever had that need, or if I could suggest how she might target the singles arena to promote her service.
She raised a point that is very valid. You can look great and have a lot to offer a potential mate, but do the tables turn when you open your mouth? What is the quality of your voice? Is it pleasing? Do you have an accent that you'd like to work on? Are you easily comprehensible? What is the manner of your speech?
Whether on a personal, or professional level, your voice says a lot about you. It's something, beyond the obvious, to think about when you're out there socializing. For example, if you are pursuing online dating and mostly emailing prospective dates....what happens when you ultimately either speak on the phone or meet? Until then, they hadn't heard your voice. Is it a turn-on or turn-off? You can work on it, if need be.
Don't just make a statement with what you say, but consider your delivery as well. It is within your control to put your best speaking voice forward, and you're worth it.
We went around the room, introducing ourselves, so that we could connect with each other after the meal, exchange business cards, etc. People laughed when I annouced my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, as they often do. It typically raises curiosity and discussion from singles in the room.
As I was preparing to leave, a woman approached me. Being the love coach that I am, I immediately thought she was going to ask me about meeting someone, and the wheels started to turn about my dad's friend who I blogged about earlier. Hmmmm...maybe she could be someone for him?
That wasn't what she had in mind. Turned out she is a speech pathologist/coach and works with individuals looking to improve their speaking voices. She wondered if any of my coaching clients ever had that need, or if I could suggest how she might target the singles arena to promote her service.
She raised a point that is very valid. You can look great and have a lot to offer a potential mate, but do the tables turn when you open your mouth? What is the quality of your voice? Is it pleasing? Do you have an accent that you'd like to work on? Are you easily comprehensible? What is the manner of your speech?
Whether on a personal, or professional level, your voice says a lot about you. It's something, beyond the obvious, to think about when you're out there socializing. For example, if you are pursuing online dating and mostly emailing prospective dates....what happens when you ultimately either speak on the phone or meet? Until then, they hadn't heard your voice. Is it a turn-on or turn-off? You can work on it, if need be.
Don't just make a statement with what you say, but consider your delivery as well. It is within your control to put your best speaking voice forward, and you're worth it.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Welcome to My First Blog As a Love Coach
Welcome to my first blog as a Love Coach. I've been advising singles for over 10 years re: how to improve their relationships and social lives.
My career in this arena began when I wrote the books HOW TO MEET A MENSCH IN NY and HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person). I was on the lecture and publicity circuit, and at the suggestion of a friend who attended one of my talks, I decided to offer private consultations as a coach. It became clear that I could offer all kinds of tips and advice in a group setting, but no two people have the same challenges. And, not everyone, understandably, is looking to air their personal love life quandries in a public setting. Hence, my website, www.lovecoach.com, and my work in that role. I find it immensely gratifying and have worked with men and women of all ages and backgrounds, both on the phone and in person.
I welcome your comments on this Blog, and would like to address issues you want to hear about, so please don't hesitate to make suggestions.
And, if you've read my books, I'd love your feedback.
I wish you all the best in your quest for a mensch! :) They are worth the wait, in my book.
My career in this arena began when I wrote the books HOW TO MEET A MENSCH IN NY and HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person). I was on the lecture and publicity circuit, and at the suggestion of a friend who attended one of my talks, I decided to offer private consultations as a coach. It became clear that I could offer all kinds of tips and advice in a group setting, but no two people have the same challenges. And, not everyone, understandably, is looking to air their personal love life quandries in a public setting. Hence, my website, www.lovecoach.com, and my work in that role. I find it immensely gratifying and have worked with men and women of all ages and backgrounds, both on the phone and in person.
I welcome your comments on this Blog, and would like to address issues you want to hear about, so please don't hesitate to make suggestions.
And, if you've read my books, I'd love your feedback.
I wish you all the best in your quest for a mensch! :) They are worth the wait, in my book.
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