Sunday, May 10, 2009


Yesterday I had a speaking gig at the Long Beach Public Library in NY.

Though I'm under the weather, I did not want to cancel. And, I was ultimately pleased with the way it worked out.

It was interesting. I wound up speaking to an almost all geriatric crowd, and what a feisty bunch they were.

I find that age makes a difference re: what I share and what is pertinent to their lifestyle. So, I tried to be conscious of this.

I invited, as I always do, comment from the audience, and there was much discussion.

One of the topics that particularly arose I'd like to discuss now.

One of the gals in the audience told attendees how she went out to socialize and was approached by a man who she wound up talking to for a bit. At the close of the conversation, he gave her his business card, in what felt like a forward manner, and told her that she should contact him and perhaps they could get together.

She did not know what to make of it and was somewhat put off by the fact that he didn't also take her number. She felt that he was relying on her to make the move, and she was not comfortable in that role. Additionally, she didn't think she was particularly interested, and on top of it, didn't like feeling in the dating "hot" seat. So there were a combination of factors are work here.

This caused huge debate at my talk. Another woman in the audience, with two grown married sons, shared how one of her daughter-in-laws actively pursued her son, and he actually welcomed it. That he was on the shyer side, and now they're happily married.

She said that, in her opinion, men can be fragile. And, that women often assume that guys should take the leadership role in the dating arena.

My response was that generally speaking most women are more comfortable if a man takes the lead. Then, at least they know where they stand. And, you don't have to question the level of interest someone has in you. Won't most men, even the shy ones, try their best to stick their neck out when it comes to asking a woman out who they like?

Her point was that men are insecure too. And, sometimes they don't have someone they can really talk do. Women are better at reaching out to each other for support and insight.

I do agree with both these points. Many of my male love coaching clients come to see me because they want to do the right thing and don't always know what that is. I can help guide them and offer a female perspective. Their goal is to please so they can succeed on the social front, but how to do that?

Ultimately, my talk concluded, with the audience being in resounding agreement, that we all have to cut each other some slack. Everyone wants to be happy, and affairs of the heart can be complex. There are no hard 'n fast rules. Often you just have to learn to trust your gut and intuition.

But, at the end of the day, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Most of us yearn for love in our lives. There's no one way to find it, but if we treat each other with respect and kindness, socializing might be a bit less stressful.