You might not have heard of it, but International Flirting Week is approaching. The dates are February 11-17, and here's the description of the occasion: Celebrating the ancient art of flirting and recognizing the role it plays in the lives of singles seeking a mate, couples looking to sustain their love and those simply exchanging a playful glance with a stranger, acquaintance, colleague, etc.
Now that you've marked your calendar accordingly :), what kind of flirter, if any, are you?
Do you like to flirt? Do you do it with ease? Or, do you shy away from attempting it? Do you aspire to flirt, but don't know where to start?
I used to co-host an event in NYC a number of years ago called the School of Flirting. We would meet at a comedy club once/month, and offer tips to singles in the audience, play flirting games, comics performed, etc. It was a fun time, but also designed to be helpful to those seeking to brush up on their flirting skills.
What I often found is that flirting, for some, is a skill they have yet to acquire. If you have a job, making the transition from work to play, isn't the easiest, as you know. But, once you let your hair down and decide to turn your attention to socializing, are you able to make eye contact with someone? Do you exhibit open body language? Is making small talk something you attempt?
The idea behind flirting is that you catch the eye of someone you'd like to meet. On the most basic level, this is done by catching someone's glance, smiling, then looking away, and repeating. The key is to make sure they are totally aware that you are smiling at them, otherwise you won't get anywhere. Also important is open body language. If you're in a social setting, do you stand with your arms crossed? Are you looking down at the ground?
If it helps, hold a glass in your hand, so you can't cross your arms so easily. And, make sure you don't look like you want to keep to yourself.
If you go out with friends, don't surround yourself by the "troops," so to speak. It is hard to break through that, if someone would want to approach you.
Flirting doesn't necessarily come naturally to everyone, and that's ok. But, the more you do it, the more automatic it will become. And, if you've taken the time to venture out, you want to at least look like you're having a reasonably good time. That will make you all the more appealing to the opposite sex, and that's what leads to optimum socializing success.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Under the Carpet
A friend with a 20 something daughter married about a year confessed to me this week that her daughter is on the brink of divorce and how sad it is. She went on to talk about the beautiful wedding she had on a lakefront, surrounded by loving friends and family, and how much time and effort had gone into to planning it. Not to mention the considerable expense. A gorgeous wedding gown. Glorious food. You name it. Followed up by a 10 day European honeymoon. It was a day and time in their young lives full of hope and promise. Yet, for those who really knew the couple, their relationship and courtship had been one with an undercurrent of volatility.
There was a lot of love between them, but these were two strong-willed, somewhat freewheeling people coming together, yet not curbing their damaging ways. They enjoyed eachother and shared impressive spending habits (and debt), but that wasn't the major problem. One of their challenges was that both were, in fact, somewhat immature in terms of what a marriage requires. And, more importantly, there was abuse on the part of each. One relied on many meds for depression and sleeplessness, and the other was a gambler and perennial drinker.
After attempting marriage counseling, they have reached the conclusion it's best to split up before too much time passes. Hopefully, each will now focus on their respective personal challenges, and be stronger and more knowing for future relationships. It is unfortunate that it took this breakup for them to acknowledge their out of control behavior.
This led me to think about the notion of burying something under the carpet. Have you ever found yourself in the situation where you are dating someone and really care for them, yet there is something that you continually overlook? Do they drink more than you think they should? Do they have other habits that are not healthful? Are they a happy person? Do they realize it, or resent it if you try to help or discuss it? Or, do you not discuss it because you feel it's not an issue? Might YOU be in denial? Or perhaps honestly unaware of how the problem might escalate overtime? Maybe it doesn't seem big now, but what happens if it continues? Do others close to you try to talk to you about it, but you feel they're overreacting?
Trust me. The situation will not go away on its own. If you have a concern now (or others do), it will only get worse as time goes on, if the person doesn't want to change. You can't be someone's savior if they are unwilling or unknowing. You can try, but what about you? How long can you keep it up? It's not your job, and shouldn't become your life's mission.
This makes me think of actor Heath Ledger who we just lost at such a young age. A beloved father of a two year old, and ex-fiance of someone who adored him. Toxicology reports have yet to come in, but the press has reported challenges with drugs in the past. What a shame! I have to believe that those around him tried to help. He was actually referred to as a "mensch" by a friend, as quoted in a NY newspaper. But, sadly, a troubled mensch, at that.
So....I urge you not to slide something under the rug. If you are in a relationship or contemplating entering one, or taking an exsiting love to a more serious level, be sure to proceed with your eyes wide open. Don't be fooled if the person makes light of what you see as a potential problem. And, don't not take note if someone who cares about you tries to open your eyes. Take heart, and listen, even if it hurts. Sometimes they know better because we are so close to a situation and person. Your relationship will suffer in the end if concerns are swept away without being tackled, and you deserve better.
Note: Check out my new Youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8
There was a lot of love between them, but these were two strong-willed, somewhat freewheeling people coming together, yet not curbing their damaging ways. They enjoyed eachother and shared impressive spending habits (and debt), but that wasn't the major problem. One of their challenges was that both were, in fact, somewhat immature in terms of what a marriage requires. And, more importantly, there was abuse on the part of each. One relied on many meds for depression and sleeplessness, and the other was a gambler and perennial drinker.
After attempting marriage counseling, they have reached the conclusion it's best to split up before too much time passes. Hopefully, each will now focus on their respective personal challenges, and be stronger and more knowing for future relationships. It is unfortunate that it took this breakup for them to acknowledge their out of control behavior.
This led me to think about the notion of burying something under the carpet. Have you ever found yourself in the situation where you are dating someone and really care for them, yet there is something that you continually overlook? Do they drink more than you think they should? Do they have other habits that are not healthful? Are they a happy person? Do they realize it, or resent it if you try to help or discuss it? Or, do you not discuss it because you feel it's not an issue? Might YOU be in denial? Or perhaps honestly unaware of how the problem might escalate overtime? Maybe it doesn't seem big now, but what happens if it continues? Do others close to you try to talk to you about it, but you feel they're overreacting?
Trust me. The situation will not go away on its own. If you have a concern now (or others do), it will only get worse as time goes on, if the person doesn't want to change. You can't be someone's savior if they are unwilling or unknowing. You can try, but what about you? How long can you keep it up? It's not your job, and shouldn't become your life's mission.
This makes me think of actor Heath Ledger who we just lost at such a young age. A beloved father of a two year old, and ex-fiance of someone who adored him. Toxicology reports have yet to come in, but the press has reported challenges with drugs in the past. What a shame! I have to believe that those around him tried to help. He was actually referred to as a "mensch" by a friend, as quoted in a NY newspaper. But, sadly, a troubled mensch, at that.
So....I urge you not to slide something under the rug. If you are in a relationship or contemplating entering one, or taking an exsiting love to a more serious level, be sure to proceed with your eyes wide open. Don't be fooled if the person makes light of what you see as a potential problem. And, don't not take note if someone who cares about you tries to open your eyes. Take heart, and listen, even if it hurts. Sometimes they know better because we are so close to a situation and person. Your relationship will suffer in the end if concerns are swept away without being tackled, and you deserve better.
Note: Check out my new Youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTliqFJyt8
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It's an Inner Job
I spoke with a single friend today who made the comment "It's an Inner Job," and I couldn't agree more. And, I like the way she phrased it.
What did she mean?
We were talking about the challenges of dating. She is single and has had a steady string of failed relationships. She is now 50, and looks back on her choices and realizes she wasted a lot of time with men who weren't truly suitable for her.
Her most recent relationship lasted about 8 years, and it was never totally smooth-sailing. I'm not saying that any relationship is without flaws or bumps along the way. But, it should enhance your life and not feel like constant work.
Since that break-up, she has done a lot of thinking....reading....and self-introspection. And, she has emerged with greater clarity.
As she thinks back, she is able to admit that she, herself, wasn't in the best place. If she had truly felt good about herself inside, she would have more readily seen how this relationship was not an empowering one for her. But, she was wounded and coming from a place of need...not one of strength.
We need to take a care of our bodies and souls. Going to the gym or maintaining some level of fitness and good health is essential for self care. And, it shows. But, what doesn't immediately show is how your feel inside. It's so easy to walk around with demons, insecurities, etc., and no one would know it. We all have them, but to different degrees. But, it can lead you to seek out others like yourself, and that isn't necessarily the best match.
So, step back. Get quiet. Slow down. Get a good night's sleep. Try meditation or yoga. And, see what comes up for you. Talk to others. Share what you feel. And, work on your inner being. Time can be very healing. And, for the sake of your future relationships, you want to come from as positive a place as possible.
What did she mean?
We were talking about the challenges of dating. She is single and has had a steady string of failed relationships. She is now 50, and looks back on her choices and realizes she wasted a lot of time with men who weren't truly suitable for her.
Her most recent relationship lasted about 8 years, and it was never totally smooth-sailing. I'm not saying that any relationship is without flaws or bumps along the way. But, it should enhance your life and not feel like constant work.
Since that break-up, she has done a lot of thinking....reading....and self-introspection. And, she has emerged with greater clarity.
As she thinks back, she is able to admit that she, herself, wasn't in the best place. If she had truly felt good about herself inside, she would have more readily seen how this relationship was not an empowering one for her. But, she was wounded and coming from a place of need...not one of strength.
We need to take a care of our bodies and souls. Going to the gym or maintaining some level of fitness and good health is essential for self care. And, it shows. But, what doesn't immediately show is how your feel inside. It's so easy to walk around with demons, insecurities, etc., and no one would know it. We all have them, but to different degrees. But, it can lead you to seek out others like yourself, and that isn't necessarily the best match.
So, step back. Get quiet. Slow down. Get a good night's sleep. Try meditation or yoga. And, see what comes up for you. Talk to others. Share what you feel. And, work on your inner being. Time can be very healing. And, for the sake of your future relationships, you want to come from as positive a place as possible.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Ready or Not?
Are you truly ready for a relationship, or do you just think you are? You may not know the difference.
Recently I coached a single guy in his 40s who is divorced and has two children. He was looking for a fix-up, ideally, and I was able to introduce him to a friend of a friend (though I am not a matchmaker). I had not met the woman, but it sounded like it was worth pursuing.
They had one date, and it didn't go all that smoothly. Conversation flowed, according to him, but it got awkward when he made a comment about her wedding band. The woman is widowed, and though it's been some time, she wears her wedding band. Albeit on her right hand, but it's there.
He didn't know what to make of it, so it became a part of their discussion. She felt defensive, and he reached the conclusion that she isn't truly open to a new relationship as yet. While this may or may not be true, it is how he felt. The wedding band spoke volumes to him, and not in a positive way. He respected the love she had for her husband, but was seeking assurance that her heart was truly open for someone new, and he wasn't convinced.
Whether you know it or not, we all give off vibes. If you are on a date with someone, or trying to mingle at a social event, your actions, even if unspoken, speak volumes. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, and consider how it might come across to them. This is especially true if someone is socially insecure and you don't know it. If they're not a confident dater, it's easy for them to question your intentions, putting a damper on your get together. And, if it's a blind date, this is all the truer, because they tend to be somewhat awkard initially to begin with.
So, think about what it is that you really want and how that can be best communicated. And, don't discount things that might signal disinterest to a potential suitor.
Recently I coached a single guy in his 40s who is divorced and has two children. He was looking for a fix-up, ideally, and I was able to introduce him to a friend of a friend (though I am not a matchmaker). I had not met the woman, but it sounded like it was worth pursuing.
They had one date, and it didn't go all that smoothly. Conversation flowed, according to him, but it got awkward when he made a comment about her wedding band. The woman is widowed, and though it's been some time, she wears her wedding band. Albeit on her right hand, but it's there.
He didn't know what to make of it, so it became a part of their discussion. She felt defensive, and he reached the conclusion that she isn't truly open to a new relationship as yet. While this may or may not be true, it is how he felt. The wedding band spoke volumes to him, and not in a positive way. He respected the love she had for her husband, but was seeking assurance that her heart was truly open for someone new, and he wasn't convinced.
Whether you know it or not, we all give off vibes. If you are on a date with someone, or trying to mingle at a social event, your actions, even if unspoken, speak volumes. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, and consider how it might come across to them. This is especially true if someone is socially insecure and you don't know it. If they're not a confident dater, it's easy for them to question your intentions, putting a damper on your get together. And, if it's a blind date, this is all the truer, because they tend to be somewhat awkard initially to begin with.
So, think about what it is that you really want and how that can be best communicated. And, don't discount things that might signal disinterest to a potential suitor.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Once a Mensch....Always a Mensch?
Once a Mensch....always a mensch? BIG question.
I received an email from a single gal who was recently given a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. She raised a really interesting point, and one that I'd like to discuss with you. She thanked me for inspiring singles to seek out a quality person, and shared her story.
She had dated a guy she met in college for a couple of years who she considered a mensch. They broke up, and have since gotten back together. During the time they were apart, she was aware that his behavior had been less than mensch-like, in her opinion. She didn't relate specifics, but wanted to know if someone can be a reformed mensch? Could he return to his original menschlike ways, or was he not really a mensch to begin with?
What is your feeling on that? I welcome your feedback.
My take on it is that a person can change for the better, if they really want to. But, you need to examine what led to their stray from menschhood begin with. Was there something from their background that has yet to be resolved? Are they willing to work on it? Is he or she acting like a mensch with you but not with others? How do they speak of and treat their parents? All this can be telling. I'm not suggesting you psychoanalyze them, but these are critical points to consider. Can you speak with them openly about it?
You don't want to wind up with someone who you have to make major allowances for. No one is perfect, but you should feel good about the type of person they are. Trust your gut. If you are questioning their basic character, there must be a reason that a red flag is being raised. Don't ignore it. Sweeping your concerns under the carpet can lead to future heartache.
Even a true mensch can have good and bad days, but that's very different than someone with behavior you consider immoral. It's not your job to change someone. In this case, since he knew what it was like to be a mensch, he clearly had the capability of rising to the occasion. It remains to be seen what happens with their relationship this time around.
Thought you might like to note this upcoming occasion....
LOVE A MENSCH WEEK - February 11 -17, 2008
Mensches are decent, responsible men or women. During this week, singles look to meet a mensch as well as take time to appreciate how mensches enhance our lives.
I received an email from a single gal who was recently given a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. She raised a really interesting point, and one that I'd like to discuss with you. She thanked me for inspiring singles to seek out a quality person, and shared her story.
She had dated a guy she met in college for a couple of years who she considered a mensch. They broke up, and have since gotten back together. During the time they were apart, she was aware that his behavior had been less than mensch-like, in her opinion. She didn't relate specifics, but wanted to know if someone can be a reformed mensch? Could he return to his original menschlike ways, or was he not really a mensch to begin with?
What is your feeling on that? I welcome your feedback.
My take on it is that a person can change for the better, if they really want to. But, you need to examine what led to their stray from menschhood begin with. Was there something from their background that has yet to be resolved? Are they willing to work on it? Is he or she acting like a mensch with you but not with others? How do they speak of and treat their parents? All this can be telling. I'm not suggesting you psychoanalyze them, but these are critical points to consider. Can you speak with them openly about it?
You don't want to wind up with someone who you have to make major allowances for. No one is perfect, but you should feel good about the type of person they are. Trust your gut. If you are questioning their basic character, there must be a reason that a red flag is being raised. Don't ignore it. Sweeping your concerns under the carpet can lead to future heartache.
Even a true mensch can have good and bad days, but that's very different than someone with behavior you consider immoral. It's not your job to change someone. In this case, since he knew what it was like to be a mensch, he clearly had the capability of rising to the occasion. It remains to be seen what happens with their relationship this time around.
Thought you might like to note this upcoming occasion....
LOVE A MENSCH WEEK - February 11 -17, 2008
Mensches are decent, responsible men or women. During this week, singles look to meet a mensch as well as take time to appreciate how mensches enhance our lives.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Putting Your Best Voice Forward
I attended a networking luncheon this week for enterprising women, and I entered into an interesting, and unexpected, discussion with one of the attendees.
We went around the room, introducing ourselves, so that we could connect with each other after the meal, exchange business cards, etc. People laughed when I annouced my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, as they often do. It typically raises curiosity and discussion from singles in the room.
As I was preparing to leave, a woman approached me. Being the love coach that I am, I immediately thought she was going to ask me about meeting someone, and the wheels started to turn about my dad's friend who I blogged about earlier. Hmmmm...maybe she could be someone for him?
That wasn't what she had in mind. Turned out she is a speech pathologist/coach and works with individuals looking to improve their speaking voices. She wondered if any of my coaching clients ever had that need, or if I could suggest how she might target the singles arena to promote her service.
She raised a point that is very valid. You can look great and have a lot to offer a potential mate, but do the tables turn when you open your mouth? What is the quality of your voice? Is it pleasing? Do you have an accent that you'd like to work on? Are you easily comprehensible? What is the manner of your speech?
Whether on a personal, or professional level, your voice says a lot about you. It's something, beyond the obvious, to think about when you're out there socializing. For example, if you are pursuing online dating and mostly emailing prospective dates....what happens when you ultimately either speak on the phone or meet? Until then, they hadn't heard your voice. Is it a turn-on or turn-off? You can work on it, if need be.
Don't just make a statement with what you say, but consider your delivery as well. It is within your control to put your best speaking voice forward, and you're worth it.
We went around the room, introducing ourselves, so that we could connect with each other after the meal, exchange business cards, etc. People laughed when I annouced my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, as they often do. It typically raises curiosity and discussion from singles in the room.
As I was preparing to leave, a woman approached me. Being the love coach that I am, I immediately thought she was going to ask me about meeting someone, and the wheels started to turn about my dad's friend who I blogged about earlier. Hmmmm...maybe she could be someone for him?
That wasn't what she had in mind. Turned out she is a speech pathologist/coach and works with individuals looking to improve their speaking voices. She wondered if any of my coaching clients ever had that need, or if I could suggest how she might target the singles arena to promote her service.
She raised a point that is very valid. You can look great and have a lot to offer a potential mate, but do the tables turn when you open your mouth? What is the quality of your voice? Is it pleasing? Do you have an accent that you'd like to work on? Are you easily comprehensible? What is the manner of your speech?
Whether on a personal, or professional level, your voice says a lot about you. It's something, beyond the obvious, to think about when you're out there socializing. For example, if you are pursuing online dating and mostly emailing prospective dates....what happens when you ultimately either speak on the phone or meet? Until then, they hadn't heard your voice. Is it a turn-on or turn-off? You can work on it, if need be.
Don't just make a statement with what you say, but consider your delivery as well. It is within your control to put your best speaking voice forward, and you're worth it.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Building Conversation Skills
My dad has a friend who is divorced with two grown kids. He's been on his own for quite some time, and as much as he loves women, he's not looking to get remarried. He was left with a lot of hurt from his first wife. Things did not end amicably, and he carries with him considerable bitterness. Thankfully, not toward women in general.
He is retired, so has plenty of time on his hands. His routine du jour has becoming frequenting java hangouts. Sure, he loves coffee....good coffee....but the ritual goes beyond that. Coffee joints have become his place to oggle, and he has it down to a science.
His top two spots are Starbuck's and Dunkin Donuts. On any given day he is at one or the other or both. He prefers the coffee at DD to Starbuck's, but likes the women better at Starbuck's. He says it attracts a more upscale, professional crowd. And, he would know. He's there early in the morning as they are likely on their way to the office. And, he oggles.
Now.....I see nothing wrong with oggling per se. However, doesn't it get frustrating? He's respectful about it. He enjoys admiring women...but wouldn't he also like to talk to them? He is shy. So, he looks from afar.
My dad, on the other hand, will talk to almost anyone....to a fault at times. He has always been Mr. Social.
So....it got me thinking. One of the points I always make when I lecture to singles is that you can't just show up someplace. You have to involve yourself. Smile at people, get a conversation going, etc. I will address the subject of flirting at length in a future post, but I want you to think about those situations where you choose not to endeavor to speak to someone. Oggling is always an option, but in the long run, you'll probably be a lot happier if you worked on your conversation skills.
He is retired, so has plenty of time on his hands. His routine du jour has becoming frequenting java hangouts. Sure, he loves coffee....good coffee....but the ritual goes beyond that. Coffee joints have become his place to oggle, and he has it down to a science.
His top two spots are Starbuck's and Dunkin Donuts. On any given day he is at one or the other or both. He prefers the coffee at DD to Starbuck's, but likes the women better at Starbuck's. He says it attracts a more upscale, professional crowd. And, he would know. He's there early in the morning as they are likely on their way to the office. And, he oggles.
Now.....I see nothing wrong with oggling per se. However, doesn't it get frustrating? He's respectful about it. He enjoys admiring women...but wouldn't he also like to talk to them? He is shy. So, he looks from afar.
My dad, on the other hand, will talk to almost anyone....to a fault at times. He has always been Mr. Social.
So....it got me thinking. One of the points I always make when I lecture to singles is that you can't just show up someplace. You have to involve yourself. Smile at people, get a conversation going, etc. I will address the subject of flirting at length in a future post, but I want you to think about those situations where you choose not to endeavor to speak to someone. Oggling is always an option, but in the long run, you'll probably be a lot happier if you worked on your conversation skills.
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