What If You Had a Crystal Ball?

I was speaking with a love coaching client who recently decided to consult with a psychic. She is living in a town where she has built a life for herself, but unhappily. She has a thriving career, house that she loves, is near her mom and dad, but knows it's not a place for her future. She is proud of what she has accomplished, but for a long time, has been counting the days that she would move on. She is in her 30s and dates little and has been yearning to relocate for years. The psychic assured her that her life will fall into place in a particular town, which she named, and that good things are awaiting her.

Just hearing this piece of information has given her a tremendous dose of confidence and is helping ease the stress and uncertainty in her mind. She is feeling more poised to make a move, though it's not happening tomorrow. For her, connecting with the psychic has helped her create a plan for herself and to trust she will find her soul mate.

I realize that professional psychics are not for everyone. And some, no doubt, are better than others. But, there is an interesting force at work here, if you think about it. It's the notion of getting a pat on the back about where you're headed and giving yourself permission to chill because the future holds promise.

Think about all the things you want for your life, including potentially finding a mate, if that is a goal. How would you live day-to-day if you knew when/where you would find that special someone....your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch? This is one of the points I make in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person).

Would it take the pressure off you? Would you go out and socialize and feel less uptight about it? Could you live more fully and happily in the present because the future seems spoken for?

There's a lot to be said for that. I realize no one has a crystal ball, and the average person is not capable of being their own psychic. And, I'm not suggesting you consult a psychic (though I have done so myself). But...what if you gave thought to living your life without the worry of what the future might bring? Might you walk around smiling more?

What if I told you with assurance that you will walk down the aisle one day? Would you believe it?

A big part of socializing success is truly knowing in your heart that it will happen for you. And, while it is very important to get out there and put yourself in venues/situations where you might make a love connection, you don't want to obsess about it either.

Allow yourself to think positively, and live in the present. Worrying about the future is so common. I certainly do it myself. But, it doesn't get us anywhere. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stay connected to this moment and put our most upbeat thoughts out there. We can manifest our future with our minds, to a certain extent. And, when you're socializing, you want to project a positive vibe. That will make you that much more appealing to the opposite sex.

So....dust off your crystal ball....and live knowing that you will not be single forever. Go forth and enjoy life, and take the dating pressure off. Do get out there, but do it was a greater sense of inner calm. It will ultimately serve you well.

Summer Lovin'

Before you know it, summer will be upon us. If you're like me, you can't wait for consistently warm and sunny days....preferably without humidity. Blue skies bring the promise of summer lovin', and the opportunity to get outdoors and seize the socializing moment.

So, with the sun gaining on us, have you thought about how you're going to spend your days?

Countless new socializing option present themselves this time of year. Some organized....some not.

One place that I enjoyed a lot when I was single is Club Getaway in Kent, CT. They offer loads of activities, or you can just chill by the lake. There are a variety of theme weekends that might appeal to you. Phone 877-7GO-PLAY, and tell them Love Coach Robin Gorman Newman sent you, to receive a $25 discount.

A number of my love coaching clients have expressed interest in joining a share house in the Hampton's (NY). That is an option. Look for one that feels comfortable to you. Fire Island is another cool place to spend summer weekends, if you love the water and a more low key environment.

Consider an afternoon in Central Park, if you're in NY....or hang out in a park near you. Tip....have a prop. Props can help get a conversation going. Wear a t-shirt with an interesting saying or logo. It might catch someone's eye and give them something to talk about. Walk a dog. Visit a Dog Run. Dogs can be people magnet. Throw around a frisbee. Put a smile on your face and make direct eye contact with people.

Get moving. Partake in sports. Consider joining a league. Activities that offer continuity...the opportunity to see the same faces more than once...can help break the ice.

You don't have to be a jock. Sometimes a willingness and load of enthusiasm is all you need. Effort is appreciated. Check out some of the sites below. If the concept appeals to you, look for a chapter in your town, or a similar group that is local.

www.zogsports.com

www.adventuresociety.com

www.mosaicoutdoor.org

www.wildearthadventures.com

www.harrimanhikers.org

www.nynjtc.org

If you incorporate outdoor activities into your social regime, not only will you get some great exercise, but you'll meet people in a whole new way. And, because you're engaged in an activity, it takes the pressure off.

So get out....get movin'.....and shake up your body & love life!

The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too

There is no such thing as the body perfect.

Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.

For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!

I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.

They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.

Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.

What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.

The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.

So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.

Finding Love Where You Live

Have you ever heard the expression.....everywhere you go, there you are?!

Meaning....however you think...whatever attitude or vibe you give off, it is always with you, whether you realize it or not.

In the past week, I received emails from three single gals, interestingly, all inquiring about where they now live.

One from Europe moved to NY a year ago. And, while she enjoys Manhattan, she is surprised that her love life isn't quite what she was anticipating. She has friends here who built it up, and now she finds herself somewhat letdown.

Another lives in a resort town in the South (U.S.), and feels very isolated, but she is near her folks. She consulted with a psychic recently who said she would be moving in the next year to a town where she will ultimately find happiness romantically and otherwise. She has mixed thoughts about the change. While she hates where she lives, she also has a sense of security due to the familiarity, not to mention an established career. The unknown is both exciting and daunting to her. She is convinced she will never meet a prospective mate if she stays put.

A third lives in a large city but is considering moving to an even larger city, like NY, if the socializing opportunities are greater. She doesn't know if she should relocate. Would the odds, in fact, be in her favor if she moved, or does she just think they would be? She is doing research on the matter.

Each was asking my opinion.

While there is no guarantee that you'll find love in a particular city, it is helpful to examine the likelihood. For example, the single woman living in the resort community feels the odds are against her. While that may be so, it only takes one, so you do never know.

There are a few important points to make here.

*You want to trust your gut. If your instincts are telling you this isn't the town for you, there is something to be said for that. Hear your inner voice. But, also be sure you're not throwing the towel in prematurely. Have you really made an effort where you are?
*Change can be good. It is normal to be fearful of the unknown, though some are great at embracing it. But, don't let it hold you back. It's amazing how time helps us adjust to new circumstances, and even delight in them!
*You need to believe you can meet someone. If you are questioning the potential to connect with a potential mate, that could wind up being your fate. You want to think positive and put out that vibe. It has been said that what we think, we manifest. We are the master of our thoughts.

So, while where you live certainly can impact your social life, it's not as simple as pointing the finger at your town of choice.

Do consider the above, and remember that your single years can be a time for self exploration and experimentation. Don't let your place of residence hold you back. If you honestly feel that you can do better elsewhere, then go for it! But, remember to pack a positive mindset and not just your luggage.

The Notorious Checklist

Do you have one?

If so, are you willing to admit it?

And, what about your friends?

Do they?

How long is it?

You know what I'm talking about. The "checklist."

It is not uncommon to have one.

Some would view it as a "wishlist." What you wish you could find in a mate, in a perfect world.

But...since we surely don't live in a perfect world (what is perfect anyway?).... how effective is a checklist really?

I'm all for identifying what is important to us. And, as a writer, by nature, I often turn to pen and paper to record my thoughts, or the computer.

What is key about writing things down is that you have it to review over 'n over again. And, this can be a very helpful task during the dating process.

What exactly is it that you desire in a person?

Can you prioritize your list?

Are you willing to accept that it's quite the challenge....if not next to impossible....to "have it all"?

Ultimately, it comes down to what you can live with, and being realistic, if you truly want to find a life partner.

When I host one of my workshops for singles, I've been known to advise that you should throw half your checklist out the window.

I'm not suggesting you settle, though it may sound that way. But, if your standards are unrealistic, you will be unhappy with most people you meet. No one will measure up fully. Examine what matters most to you at the end of the day and over the long run.

And, conversely, take a look at what you have to offer in return. Make a checklist of your own strengths and weaknesses. What kind of romantic partner would you make? Are there areas in your own life that could use improving? If so, is it fair to expect so much from someone else when you have personal work to do? (And who doesn't have work to do, on some level? It's part of wanting to grow as an individual.)

We are each works-in-progress, evolving every day, and what we want/need can change over time. With age and experience often comes greater clarity.

For this reason too, having a written checklist can be telling if you tuck it away in a place (like a journal) where you can find it a year later, for example. Pull it out, and see how much of it still holds true.

I urge you to be open-minded as you go about socializing. Sometimes a prospective love interest might not look "perfect" on paper, but there's something about them that clicks/resonates with you if you give them a chance. You may be surprised...and pleasantly so.

So...don't do yourself a disservice by sticking so firmly by your trusty checklist....and don't write it in indellible ink. A little flexibility and realism can go a long way in the quest for love.

Taking the Lead

Who calls? Who pays? Who does the asking out?

Do you ask yourself any or all of these questions?

Do you find yourself getting into a debate with your friends about it?

Do your single friends feel one way, and your married friends another?

I broach this subject because it recently came up over lunch with a single woman I befriended through a networking group I belong to. I didn't expect to discuss personal matters. We were schmoozing about our various business endeavors, who we know, etc..and as the lunch neared toward the close, she asked if she could seize the moment while I put on my "love coaching cap." I'm always happy to offer advice, if I can be helpful, and I was curious to hear what she wanted to share.

We engaged in a discussion about male vs. female roles in the dating/socializing process.

We recalled years ago the book The Rules, which cleared stated dos and don'ts in the social arena....taking a strong stand that men should be the pursuer...and that you shouldn't be readily available.

I agree with the book on some levels, but not all. I'm not a fan of game-playing. But, the bottom line is that you want to be respected. I do agree that less is more. And, you want to leave him wanting more.

You also want to know that he is as interested in you as you are in him. And, to a certain extent, like it or not, I personally believe that it's more beneficial in the long run for the guy to take the lead. Meaning...that he should ask you out.

I don't have a problem with a woman initiating a conversation with a guy. Some men are shy and would welcome this. But, I'm not a big fan of the woman being the one to suggest that phone numbers or business cards be exchanged. Even if he agrees it's a good idea, why didn't he propose it? Is he just going along with it to avoid an awkward moment? You want to know...don't you?

And...yes...he should be the one to make the first call, or email exchange. Let's see if he would take the initiative. How interested in you is he?

In a perfect world, you want to be pursued.

And, what happens on the date? If you are working and earning a nice income and consider yourself an independent sort, you may want to pay for the date or even split the check. You might think this is the way to go, to show that you don't need his money or expect to be treated.

I do not support this approach. The last thing you want to do on a date is haggle over the check. If you feel the need to reciprocate, then pay on a future date. Cook dinner for him. Take him out for dessert afterwards, etc. There are other ways to show that you don't take for granted that he is treating.

A great way to kill a romantic mood is to do battle over the bill...as well meaning as your gesture is intended.

It may seem old-fashioned, but when it comes to dating, at least at the onset of a potential relationship, let the guy show his colors. You'll appreciate it down the road.

I welcome your thoughts on this. You may or may not agree, so do tell.

A Mensch and His Mom

In the past week, I engaged in two discussions relative to the character of a mensch....a decent, responsible person. The question arose, why does it matter if someone is a mensch, and how can you tell if they truly fit the bill? This was in regard to dating. The subject came up because I was explaining to a potential love coaching client how I work, and I mentioned the fact that we would discuss past relationships in an effort to examine dating choices, to see if there are any self-defeating patterns/red flags that emerge.

One of the things I feel strongly about is the notion of a mensch.

If you want to attract someone good into your life, then you first need to begin with yourself. Are you a mensch to yourself? Do you practice self care? Do you take time for your own needs? I realize this is easier said than done in today's hectic world, but you have to feel good about yourself (or at least as good as possible), so you can put positive vibes out there.

Are you a mensch to others? Do you do good in the world? Do you support any non-profit causes, either monetarily or through volunteer work? Do you help others when possible? Are you kind? Do you ever pay a compliment to someone?

And, a really telling point, when it comes to dating, is.....if you're a woman seeking a man, how does he treat his mother?

This is something very important to look at.

I'm not in any way suggesting he should be tied to his mom's apron strings. But, how would you, or he, define their relationship? Do they have one? Are they close? How often do they speak on the phone or see each other? Who initiates? Is the relationship based on money? Is one always looking for it from the other?

Does he go out of his way for her? Does he truly value having her in his life?

A friend of mine was discussing a single male friend of hers and how he always complains about his parents. He actually made the comment to her that his life would be simpler if they weren't around. She quickly responded that he would regret it if they were no longer in this world. Despite him having a "challenging" relationship with his folk, life does feel different if you have suffered a parental loss.

Why does it matter how a guy feels about his mom? Because, typically, if he is good to her, he will be good to you. He would have grown up with a respect for women and for the role women play in this world. He will want to be a supportive husband and be there for you to the best of his ability. He will have been raised with that ethic. He may even put you before himself, and who wouldn't appreciate that?!

So...do take the time to examine a man's relationship with his mom. Look closely. Think about it. And, keep in mind, that if you want a romance or marriage with this person, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.