New Year's

Do you feel pressure to have a date on new year's eve? Or to go a party, even if your heart isn't into it?

When I was single, I always felt compelled to have new year's plans. If I didn't have a date, I needed to have some kind of social agenda that seemed promising. Often what I truly felt like doing was chilling at home, spending time with my folks, or maybe having dinner with a close girl friend.

Or, even practicing self care.

Getting a massage. Doing my nails. Taking a long relaxing shower. Listening to music. You name it.

One year, I learned the hard way, that it's always best to trust your gut and not push yourself needlessly.

I was invited kinda last minute to a party that a friend was going to. It wasn't someone she knew well. It had come to her through the grapevine. I had no particular desire to go. I had resigned myself to a quiet evening at home. But, these pangs of guilt kicked in. So, quickly I jumped into the shower, got myself dressed and met up with my friend. Even my parents encouraged me to go. Their attitude was, you're certainly not going to meet anyone at home.

But, then I'd think to myself, do I really have to try to meet someone on new year's eve? Isn't that one of the hardest socializing days of the year?

You can probably guess how the story goes. The party was a bust.

The crowd wasn't my scene. The people weren't my type. There was loads of booze (which I'm not into), cigarette smoke (which I detest), etc. So, we were quickly in 'n out of the host's house, and I was totally pissed.

At the end of the day, I felt like I had wasted my time. Sure I had made an effort to socialize, but I ultimately felt worse because I didn't have the faith to trust my gut and do what I felt like doing..which was to stay home.

There comes a time when pushing yourself to venture out is important, if you tend to be a homebody type. But, if you're not by nature that way, and have particular days when you just want to chill, then give in to that impulse. You're entitled. Nothing wrong with laying low. If you push yourself to go out too often, you may burn out, and not look like you're having much fun when you're there anyway.

So, do what you're inclined to do this holiday season and new year's eve. And whatever that is, enjoy and be safe.

There's plenty of time to make new year's socializing resolutions in 2009. Until then, cut yourself some slack and do what calls out to you.

HAPPY HEALTHY HOLIDAYS!!

Throw a "New Blood" Party

First let me say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you and your loved ones!

Do you have any special plans?

Are you spending it with your family? Close friends? Or, you're just being mellow and prefer not to do anything in particular?

Whatever you choose, there is no one way to celebrate.

When I was growing up, it was always a family time.

Now that I'm married and have a young son, and my mom has passed away, we are starting new traditions. My husband is cooking, and my father and his mom (his father passed away) are coming over. I have a sister who is married with kids, and they will be away, and the same holds true for my husband's brother and his family.

I've never been one who loves to entertain, though I do enjoy being with people.

One day I was having a talk with a close friend who said that perhaps you've reached a point in your life where you need to create traditions that include friends. And, there's something to be said for that.

One of my love coaching clients who lives is New York is from overseas. Her family is still there, so she's living here on her own. She makes a point of celebrating occasions with friends she's made in the U.S.

And, if you think about it, it's potentially a great way to socialize as well.

Let me throw an idea at you. Consider throwing a "new blood" party or dinner. Invite your close friends, and suggest that each of them invites a friend (ideally of the opposite sex), who you don't know. Keep it as an intimate get together. You don't want to overwhelm yourself. And, you never know who you might meet.

Give it a try!

PS -- Looking for a gift for a special single friend or family member? Consider picking up a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person). I'm currently selling autographed copies at a special BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE PRICE. Drop me a note through my site www.lovecoach.com.

PPS -- If you happen to be in NY, I will be speaking at the Long Beach Public Library on 12/20, 2pm. Come meet me! And, I'll have books available for purchase.

Questions for the Love Coach

I'd like to open this blog up to questions from you.

What would you like to ask? Is there a topic you'd like me to write about?

Please drop a note to rgnewman@optonline.net or post a comment.

Tales from the Ranch

I returned from Canyon Ranch in Tucson earlier this week, and must share with you the experience.

It was such a huge growth opportunity, in ways I never would have anticipated.

I was there as a guest speaker to share my wisdom from How to Marry a Mensch, and stayed on to vacation a couple of days.

I was traveling alone, which felt like a bit of a challenge. But, it took me back to my single days when I signed up alone to go on the singles trip where I met my husband. So, traveling solo does have its advantages! :)

My talks at Canyon Ranch attracted both couples and singles, seeking advice for themselves, to pass on, or to reaffirm that they had found their Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch and were grateful. It was interesting that after I spoke, various individuals approached me to share their story of how important it was that they married, or were dating a mensch. It made me feel good that others recognized the desirability of partnering with a quality person, and being a mensch themselves.

While I am not being paid by Canyon Ranch to endorse them, I have to share with you how whole-heartedly I recommend a stay there, if you can swing it. They have various locations, and it's such a great step toward practicing self care. Whether it be to exercise, develop portion and calorie awareness, be pampered, share your thoughts with others, etc., it's the ideal place to get in touch with you soul.

And, if you think about it, if you are seeking a soul mate, you want to be in a good place in your life. If this means taking some time out for you, you need to do that. Self exploration might feel like a luxury, but we all want to grow in our lives. And, the richer we are as people, the better we are able to connect with others on a deeper level.

Traveling to Canyon Ranch alone reminded me of my single days for another reason. I found myself eager to talk to new people and to want to be liked, so that I had companionship. I recalled all the times I went to socials and so desperately wanted to make conversation.

While I was far from desperate this time 'round, I did feel a bit of initial insecurity until I started to break the ice with some new folks. And, in general, I found the guests (and staff) quite welcoming and open to spending time, even if they came with friends or family members, which many did. It was a blessing to feel warmly received, and I relished getting to know different people, hoping I would stay in touch with a select few.

One workshop I attended addressed the point of wanting to be liked. The expert facilitator said that everyone craves that. I questioned her and said that I felt like it is a shame that we tend to seek out approval. But, she didn't take it that way. Her feeling is that if someone appears to not like you, for whatever reason, they are someone who needs a hug the most. What I learned is that we shouldn't judge or compare ourselves to others.

We are all so different, and you can never know what someone thinks or feels on the inside. Regardless of how they look, a person might not be as self confident as you imagine, yet you might find yourself sizing them up, envying them, aspiring to be like them, etc. And, it's not worth it. If you are comfortable in your own skin, you will put out a positive to the world and people will gravitate toward you. So, whether you want to attract new friends or a love into your life, make sure your self esteem is in a good place.

Chemistry...What is it?

Chemistry.

How do you define it when it comes to a relationship?

I was way on a weekend at Omega recently to hear the author Joan Anderson who wrote A Weekend to Change Your Life, among other bestselling books, as seen on Oprah.

She was very down-to-earth, with a strong message to share about the possibilities for reinventing your life so you can achieve happiness, reach goals, overcome fear, reinforce relationships, etc.

One gal in the audience asked the question, how do you know if you have chemistry with someone?

Anderson is not a relationship expert, so I almost felt like jumping up and sharing my two cents worth, but I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Plus, I wasn't there wearing my "author/love coach hat". I was a participant like everyone else.

But, it got me thinking. And, I did wind up approaching the woman who asked the question to share some thoughts.

It became evident to me that there is no one way to define chemistry.

You want to know you have it in a partner, but what is it exactly?

It is natural to first be attracted to someone on a physical level. And, for some, that would be how they define chemistry. But, it's really not that simple because you may be attracted to someone for various reasons. And, it could actually go against your physical type. You might think you like blondes, but a brunette might get you going if they have other traits that resonate with you.

For example, if someone makes you laugh, that is very appealing. If you enjoy someone's mind, that's a big plus. If you can make easy and on-going conversation with someone, that is desirable. If you embrace similar interests, that's cool. If you are open to each other's differences and applaud them (and are confident you could live with them), that can be empowering.

So, when you think about and yearn for chemistry with a potential mate, be aware that chemistry comes in different packages.

Make sure you give people a chance. Don't judge a book by it's cover only. You'll do yourself and the other person a big disservice.

Be a Mensch to Find a Mensch

I recently had a bit of a falling out with someone I've known casually over the years. I had asked for some information, thinking we were supportive/respectful of each other, and one thing led to the next.....it was not something I expected.

Got me thinking about the notion of one hand washing the other.

I've always been someone who takes pride in helping others. I imagine that's part of the reason my work as a love coach is so gratifying to me. And, why I've chosen to write self help books.

I consider myself to be someone who is generous with their time and advice (to the best of my ability), and hope that others will do the same in return. I try to be a team player and have always believed that what comes around, goes around. My philosophy is we can all get much further in life if we support each other.

In my mind, the bottomline is, it's about being a mensch.

If you want to find and potentially marry a mensch (decent person), it takes one to know one.

Do you do good for others (without getting paid for it)?
Do you do any volunteer work?
Do you put others before yourself at times?
Do you always expect things in return?

Part of making a contribution to this world is in the giving.

Look at actor/philanthropist Paul Newman, may he rest in peace. He was able to use his high profile status and earnings to ultimately give back to others in a big way. There's a lot to be said for that. And, he had an enduring marriage to actress Joanne Woodward. Something to aspire to.....

Do you consider yourself a mensch? In what regard?

Why would you deserve to find one, if you don't hold yourself up to the same standards?

Take a hard look at yourself and how you spend your time. Granted everyone is busy these days, but you'd be surprised how little gestures can add up. You don't have to do major volunteer work if your schedule doesn't permit, but there's all kinds of ways to help others.

Give it some serious thought, and you'll be all the better for it, and your love life may benefit in the long run as well.

Pack Your Bags

It is so easy to get stuck in a rut.

It happens to all of us, whether single or otherwise.

Last week I had the opportunity to tag along for a couple of days with my husband who attended a conference for work in Nashville.

I had never been there before, and didn't know what to expect. He was basically at the conference 24/7 and otherwise was hanging with guys from his office. So, I was in solo mode.

It's been a long time since I've been doing my own thing. While I work from home, I'm always rushing to get stuff done before my son comes home from Kindergarten. So, being on vacation and feeling somewhat free from immediate responsibility was totally liberating.

It made me think back to my solo days when it felt like the world was my oyster. And, being in Nashville especially brought that back to mind. It is such a town filled with creativity and aspirations and driven talent yearning to be discovered. You could feel the vibe throughout the town. And, many of the songs they sing are ballads are: looking for love, love gone wrong, or celebrating relationships.

I never thought about how much songwriters put their emotions out there, and how universal the subject of love is. We'd like to think our experiences are unique, but clearly, finding and keeping love is something we all want and can find challenging. Whether it's about emptiness, walking away, not picking up the phone, etc., there is plenty of material on the subject. All you have to do is check out an appealing young songwriter/singer named Tammy Fowler (who I saw perform at the famous Bluebird Cafe), to hear some of the sentiment. You can find her at www.tammyfowler.com.

What struck me also about my Nashville trip is how important it is to expose ourselves to new experiences. While I'm not particularly a country music lover, Nashville is so much more than that. It's a town for rockers as well, and even pop country. I never expected to enjoy being so immersed in music, and when you're trying to socialize and feeling stuck, a dose of change could be just what you need. Consider packing your bags, if you can and get away. Even if it's just an overnight. It can be so rejuvenating and give you a new mindset that you might not have thought possible. And, from that can come inspiration and hope, and you never know who you'll meet.

PS: I will be speaking at Canyon Ranch in Tucson late October, if you're looking for a destination.

PPS: My book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH is currently on sale...buy one, get one free. Drop me a note if you're interested in an autographed copy. rgnewman@optonline.net